Posts

Time and Attention

Today I am checking in from Austin, TX y'all!! I'm here with my band mate, Angela playing some gigs and loving up on this town! SO much good food, so much good music and such great friends here-old and new! Currently I am writing in Cedar Creek Studios while Angela records a guitar show, we are simply having the best time living our dream. We have a few more shows left in town and I will be sad when it's all over. Traveling and playing music brings me so much joy, and helps me get out of my ruts and routines. I've spent much of this year adjusting and readjusting and adjusting and readjusting. Sometimes it still feels like my head is spinning, I can't quite believe the year I've had. Six months of chemotherapy, brain radiation, getting a port (for the second time), being told I most likely had about 6 months to live and fighting that with everything I had. 2017 was by far the most interesting (for lack of a better word I guess) year of my life!

I spent so much …

Thankful

Another Thanksgiving under my belt, and I for one am incredibly thankful that I was able to be here and be healthy enough to enjoy it. I can't say that enough, how thankful I am to be ALIVE. I cooked, I cleaned, I drank my (organic/sulfite free!) wine and ate more food than I ever should. I had a combination of family and friends (and dogs!) over and it was one of my favorite days of this entire year. For me these major holidays are a little reminder that things could have turned out very differently for me. They remind me to stay rooted in the present and enjoy the moment. That is no easy feat, especially now. I can't help but wonder about my future and if I'll be just as healthy come next Thanksgiving, or if things will have made a turn for the worst. Some days I worry about the future and I think about everything I've gone through, some days I completely forget it all. I can't help but have moments of worry; worrying that if I'm not totally on top of it, thi…

Beating the odds...

Two years ago today I went to the ER with a swollen left arm and trouble breathing. I was concerned about what was going on as my arm seemed to have gone from normal to swollen quick. Having started chemo a month before hand I was scared and worried. It turns out it was simply a blood clot in my catheter line (my port for my chemo was in my left arm and it is fairly common for a blood clot to form in the line). What I wasn't expecting was for the doctors to tell me I had a nodule that looked concerning in my left lung. I relayed this information to my oncology team and nothing was done. Not until July of 2016 when I had surgery to remove the nodule, which turned out out to be my metastatic breast cancer. So today, this day, is my only reference point to when I KNOW I was Stage IV, which means today marks the day when I know for a fact that I am beating the odds.

I have connected with other women with Stage IV MBC on Facebook and I see the stories, some are beating the odds and hav…

They say it's your birthday, gonna have a good time....

I have officially entered my mid 30's. How did that happen? I've never been one to complain about getting older, having two older sisters I was always scratching to keep up. Aging has always felt like a badge of honor to me, you live, you learn, you grow. I couldn't wait to see who I was going to become and what life had in store for me. I didn't anticipate life throwing Stage IV Breast Cancer at me that's for sure, but we can't always control the cards we are dealt. I've always been ALL about a birthday celebration (ask my cousin Jeff-he won't EVER forget my birthday because as a child I DRILLED it into his noggin), this year felt different though, it felt interesting-for lack of a better word.

I've written about the day I broke up with Google (that saucy little minx keeps me coming back for more-but the trust shall never be the same!). I googled "Stage IV Breast Cancer" and reading the first thing that popped up was like being punched in…

Chronically Yours

It's weird the way life works out. This month I'll turn 34 years old, and needless to say this isn't at all how I thought my life would look on my 34th birthday. I'm not complaining, it's just strange. We all make these plans for ourselves; I'll go to this college, then get this job, then move here, get married have babies and live happily ever after. What I couldn't plan was getting diagnosed with a terminal illness, or any serious illness. How could I have planned for it? You don't anticipate getting sick, you don't see it coming, there aren't exactly warning signs leading up to a breast cancer diagnosis. It just happens, quite literally out of nowhere. And then from that moment on, your life is changed. Time keeps moving forward and you can't go back, you are forever changed. The thing is though you aren't prepared to be forever changed. My life turned on it's head, just completely upside down. For a long time I thought of it as t…

The Self-Appraisal

Life has been busy lately, and it's been strange to get used to that pace again. Living with MBC (Metastatic Breast Cancer) means living your entire life without a solid answer to anything. Going with the flow takes on an entirely new meaning. The tides don't follow a predictable schedule, it may be high tide one minute and very low tide the next, finding your own steady footing is a challenge. But I like a challenge. In fact I've complained about them most of my life but I think deep down I actually love them. Attempting to flourish in the face of this disease is one of the biggest challenges I have faced in my life. I have changed in immeasurable ways and have been forced to not only look at my own mortality (we ALL have an expiration date), but learn to live with the knowledge that my expiration date may come a hell of a lot sooner than that of my peers. And please don't hit me back with the comment about how "I could get hit by a bus tomorrow," not only i…

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

It has officially been one month since my last round of chemo. Which is kind of INSANE, considering the level dis-trust I had in chemo after the first ones failed. This chemo lasted longer than my previous chemo, doubled it actually. I have now spent 9 months of my life putting a poison into my body to help eliminate the cancer that was trying to eliminate me.

I'm not sure I'll ever really wrap my brain around this whole experience. Two years ago when I was first diagnosed (Stage II) I was anxious to be done. I tossed on wigs, sipped on some beer, saw my friends and tried to say that this was a "temporary stop" before I returned to my life. It's just a test of the emergency broadcast system, we will return to your regularly scheduled programming soon! But it wasn't just a stop, and it wasn't a test, turns out this IS my life. Looking back at the person I was two years ago is strange for me now. I do not feel like her....at all. I am still me, but I b…