Posts

The Dangling Carrot

8 rounds (16 separate infusions-2 of which I was too ill for so technically 14) of chemotherapy in my body and hopefully that is THE LAST of it. For now.......

Having MBC (metastatic breast cancer) means I will ALWAYS technically have cancer. I feel incredibly redundant typing that sentence, but it is the truth of my life and can be easily forgotten. When I feel/look healthy it's hard not to want to forget about that cancer and to truly believe that everything is going to be fine. In fact it's healthy to do that, I can't live in a constant state of fear. But the fact remains that I have a disease that western medicine hasn't discovered a cure for.......yet.


Throughout the past year I have been working on developing my new normal. It's been a challenge and there have been many ups and also many downs. I have been fearful, overwhelmed with sadness and anger, and uncertain about everything, I have also been hopeful, filled with love and certain that I was headed down …

Explore Your Options...

As I approach my last (for now-aka this better be the last one for a while) round of chemotherapy I'm thinking a lot about what my next move is. I got an extra week added on to the end of this chemo because my body has had enough and wants a break. Cancer treatments destroy a person's body all for the end goal of hopefully being "healthy." It seems back-asswards to me from a logical stand point but I'm not sure any of this has been logical at all. Cancer defies logic most of the time; a treatment that works for one doesn't work for another. Even if the numbers are EXACTLY the same, individuality also applies to medicine.

Knowing that cancer can have a mind of it's own is the scariest part of this disease. In the past couple of weeks I've talked to several cancer patients, younger, older, breast cancer and other forms as well. Friends of mine have contacted me and asked me to help other people, even if they don't listen to a word of advice I give t…

Dog Days Of Summer

Summertime has officially hit Los Angeles!! With 75% humidity and temperatures in the 90's it definitely feels like an east coast summer out here.

 While this week I planned to have chemo and beat the heat by planting myself in front of my a/c unit and having a Netflix binge session alone, my body had other plans. After arriving at City of Hope and testing my blood it was determined some of my levels were too low to receive chemotherapy. As disappointed as I was, I've had to learn to roll with the punches. This one annoyed me only because all summer long I have had August 8th marked in my calendar as my LAST DAY OF CHEMO, and now that day will be the 15th. What's a week in the grand scheme of things? Absolutely nothing. But it can feel differently to the person who has been receiving the chemotherapy.

There have been MANY times during this process that I have wanted to quit, many times that I almost have. Thank God a good night's sleep can change your perspective. I am

On A Tuesday

Two years ago today, it was a Tuesday. Tuesday July 14th, 2015. Around 1030 a.m. I decided I would get ready and take my dog for a walk. I had gotten a biopsy done on my right breast the Friday before and still hadn't heard anything so I thought "Hey, no news is probably good news. Off for a walk I go." But as we know that wasn't the case. I've talked about this morning more than one time, because it was probably the most surreal moment of my life. I was alone (besides the dog, she was never great with soothing words in a crisis though) and I never in my life have felt more alone. Falling to me knees crying harder than I have ever cried before, screaming through tears. Calling family members and friends frantically trying to get anyone to me because I didn't know what else to do. The first to arrive was my band mate in Roses & Cigarettes, Angela followed by a few of my best friends and finally my mom and oldest sister arrived. The rose flowed like w…

Caught in an identity crisis...

I am now 6 rounds of chemotherapy in, 2 rounds of chemotherapy to go. For now....

I'm tired guys, just tired. I didn't think I would be doing this many rounds of chemo, and maybe that's a good thing. Knowing you've got 8 rounds in front of you can be daunting, sometimes taking it one step at a time is the better option. The side effects come and go, some days my energy is boundless! Most days it is the opposite, heading to the refrigerator for a glass of water can seem like a huge task. Some side effects are cumulative, like the pretty little brown curls that keep falling out of my head. What began as a small amount of shedding has resulted in a George Castanza bald spot on my head. I keep saying I'm Kosmo Kramer in the front George Castanza in the back. Like a reverse mullet, if you will. I can't say I'm thrilled about it, but it is what it is. My health is more important.

As I've experienced these side effects, and believe me the hair is the least of …

A small light at the end of the tunnel....

I have now had 6 1/2 rounds of this current chemotherapy. Total I have had 7 infusions, with 5 more infusions to go.

Just this year.

If you count it all up now I've had 14 rounds of chemotherapy. 35 rounds of radiation (breast), 1 round of radiation (brain), and 3 surgeries. Fairly aggressive for a girl who would barely go to the doctor for a sinus infection.

Recently it's been hard for me to see that light at the end of the tunnel. When you have an "incurable" disease it's hard to remember that some treatments ARE temporary. Because let me assure you they do not feel temporary, at least to me they don't. Going to the doctor for infusion after infusion and not being certain for how long this treatment will work for, or how much longer you have to endure it is exhausting. Not just on the body but on the soul. Don't get me wrong I am incredibly thankful for the results I have seen so far from this chemo. This treatment is and has been working. My last scan …

Gray Days....

The transition from spring to summer in Los Angeles is notorious for gray days. Many of them, all piled up neatly in a row somewhere between the beginning of May through, let's be honest if you live on the west side, maybe mid July. It is referred to mostly as 'June Gloom' but when occurring in May I hear it most frequently called 'May Gray.'  And I LOVE a gray day. I love the fog off the ocean. I love the smell in the air that inevitably happens when this fog-or marine layer, as it is referred to out here, rolls in. It reminds me of my childhood; many days spent on Cape Cod beaches watching the Chatham fog roll in. Getting my hoodie and eating a turkey sandwich with some Cape Cod chips-SO COZY!

So, we have established I love a gray day (my bedroom has been recently painted this lovely fog gray.) What I DO NOT LOVE is living in the gray. I am HORRIBLE at it. If you don't know what I'm referring to here (because you're not a control freak like mo…