Posts

Hurry up and wait

It's been a week since I saw my oncologist and we formulated the plan to once again bring me back to some sort of semblance of health, and nothing has really changed. That's the thing with cancer, it's a WHOLE bunch of hurry up and wait. We want to see you RIGHT AWAY!!! Also I can't get you an appointment for 3 weeks, but it is IMPERATIVE I see you right away! To me right away means today, not 21 days from now. Well in the medical world now, could also mean two weeks from now. So here I sit, pain increasing by the day, waiting.

Many people have asked why I'm getting the surgery on my hip, mostly asking if it's to remove a tumor. And no, it's definitely not to remove a tumor. If a tumor is on the bone then that is where it shall remain. I will be having surgery because the pain I have is being caused by a tumor yes, but it's really because the tumor is massively weakening the bone which means at any moment if I stand on it and it's decided it's h…

Do Not Pass GO, Do Not Collect $200

When I was growing up every single summer my family would head to my grandparents house on Cape Cod. No matter where my family was living we always returned to the place that we considered home. Along with my immediate family, my cousins and aunts and uncles would all get together for at least a week of family fun. A big part of this family fun was playing games; we loved 'em! Saved for the rainiest of days was Monopoly, we all love the game but during the summer it can really put on a damper on your beach time! While playing Monopoloy we have all gotten that one card, that one mean little card that stops us from GROWING OUR EMPIRE and defeating our beloved family members; Go To Jail, Go Directly To Jail,  Do Not Pass GO, Do Not Collect $200  (slightly aggressive but that's neither here nor there). It's a mean little card that can turn your Boardwalk Empire dreams into dust. We've all been there right? And I'm not talking about just playing Monopoly, I'm talki…

Routines and Ruts

I am a creature of habit. That's not to say I can't adjust, because Lord knows I can adjust. But I do happen to be a person that creates a routine for herself. Once I get on a kick, and I know it works for me I stick to it. That being said my routine at this point is beginning to feel like a serious rut. I have created a life and habits for myself in which I feel safe. My house is stocked with all the food and products I can use so there's no room for error, I know the restaurants near me that I can eat at, I have my vitamins and my health practitioners that work for me, I have my walk to the beach and my spot I sit at, my yoga studio in walking distance and have set my life up to be convenient for my needs. But at what point does this "safe place" really just become a safety net?

When I was diagnosed Stage IV I worked incredibly hard changing EVERYTHING in my life. I knew to survive this disease I would have to be focused, I would have to make changes and they w…

Finding My Foundations

I've always been a person with very little patience, always wanting to skip ahead and get to it ALREADY!! If I didn't exhibit at least some natural talent for something, I'd move on instead of diving deeper into it. And for a long time this seemed to work for me, seemed being the key word here. But with everything I did there was still an element of impatience, like ok yeah I get it take me to the more advanced stuff. So when I started taking yoga classes after growing up my entire life with gymnastics and ballet I was again impatient with the practice. I was flexible and fairly strong so I tossed myself into more advanced classes and ended up with a back that would go out and some very unhappy rotator cuffs, and yet was still being praised for how "beautiful" my practice was. Giving my ego just enough to keep me coming back for more. The problem was I skipped over ALL of my foundations. ALL OF THEM. The more yoga classes I teach the more I discover that most of …

The Results Are In....

Last week I had a PETscan. I hadn't had one since the end of December and at that point things weren't looking good. This was the first scan since the loss of my good friend and fellow metavivor, Michelle. Normally we are texting back and forth about our anxiety and calming each other down. This time felt different without having her around, although I believe she's on the other side helping me out! This past December my PETscan had revealed that the cancer was spreading again and it was happening pretty fast. Fear took hold of me once again and I knew I needed to step it up and re-commit to all the little things I know keep me healthy. I have completely cut out alcohol, it's been 4 months without it which is kind of insane considering how much I used to drink. Saw my holistic health doctors, tightened up my diet, and upped my cannabis oil intake. My oncology team decided current treatments needed to be changed and fast because the Letrozole was clearly not working. I …

A loss...

Last week was a doozy you guys. A real doozy.

I had some things going on in my personal life that wasn't exactly keeping me in the greatest state of mind (don't we all have those things sometimes). I was struggling a bit and on Friday my sister, Sarah came over to hang out. We hadn't had some good quality sister time in a while and were both feeling tired so couch potato/Netflix time it was. As we were relaxing I decided to mindlessly scroll through Instagram, when I came upon a post by my friend, Michelle. I had texted her a day or two earlier asking how she was doing, and hadn't heard back which was unusual for her. Michelle and I have the same disease, and have been on MANY of the same treatments. This is how we became friends, bonding on an online forum and then beginning to talk via facebook messenger. I think we were friends for about a year before we ever actually exchanged numbers! Michelle recently started IV Chemo, which she hadn't done before so we were …

Checking In

Hello everyone!

It has CERTAINLY been a long time. I have no excuse for myself, except that I felt like I needed a break. I love writing, and writing this blog has truly helped me to process everything I've been dealing with for almost 3 years now. But occasionally I feel as if my sharing can leave me exhausted and exposed. And it's my own doing! I suppose I'm still finding my own boundaries. I've always been someone who jumps fully in. I have a hard time compartmentalizing, and I'm generally an open book in all directions, but recently I had felt the need for quiet. I felt the need to fully figure out how I was feeling before I shared.

In December things were not looking good again. My tumor markers shot up and a PETscan revealed new growth in the bones, breast, brain, lungs and again a spot on my liver. How could it be that just a mere 4 months after I finished IV chemotherapy (mind you chemo lasted 6 months) I could be in almost the exact same position as I was…