A Sigh Of Relief

I finished my first cycle of chemotherapy in August and then hopped on a plane to fly back to Massachusetts and try and forget about this cancer stuff for a while. And while forgetting may not exactly be the easiest thing in the world I was able to give myself a break from the rut I had gotten into at home. I had spent the greater part of the summer at home not able to do much while I waited for and then recovered from surgery. My brain and body needed the change of scenery and I feel like I finally could breathe when I got to Cape Cod and spent some time lounging with family.

I begrudgingly returned to LA and returned to chemo this week with my fingers and toes crossed that last months chemo made a difference in my body. That the chemotherapy did it's job killing lots and lots of those little cancer cells that keep threatening my very existence. And low and behold that chemo DID do it's job. And it did it well! I had been freaking out because after my first round of chemo both of my tumor markers jumped UP, one of them jumping up by 20 points. Just for some perspective my tumor marker was jumping up by 20 points in a month and this made it jump up 20 points in a week. And I know that happens. Logically I know, but that doesn't mean it's not incredibly scary. The doctors explain this by comparing it to a train going full speed, just because you slam on the brakes it doesn't mean the train just stops in it's tracks, it usually skids forward for a while before coming to a complete stop. I have to find a way to pay less attention to my numbers but that can be so hard to do. I understand my knowing in no way shape or form helps me to control it but in some way it makes me feel like it does. So after the first round the points went up, well after three rounds the points went down. WAY WAY down, 107 points DOWN. PHEWWWWW Ok so we can safely say this treatment is working.

So one month down, six more months to go. And with very minimal side effects I have nothing to be but thankful. Thankful that there is something that's working for me, so many other people with cancer aren't that lucky. I have to be thankful that I have doctors who listen to me and are proactive with treatments. I have seen too many doctors who are not proactive and it honestly pisses me off to no end. I have said it before and I will say it again, YOU HAVE TO BE YOUR OWN HEALTH ADVOCATE. Please if you have cancer or you are caring for a loved one that does please challenge your doctors, do your research and push for doctors that actually care about saving your life. Even if you don't have the big C but you have chronic pain or you know something is off, advocate for yourself. I will always be incredibly grateful that I decided to switch doctors and head to the City Of Hope, it was the best decision I could have made and it's the reason I'm alive today.

The one thing this chemo does do is make me VERY tired. And honestly being tired is just kind of annoying. I know we're all tired, most of this country is tired and lethargic and generally that lethargy is the bi-product of too many long work hours and a diet lacking in proper nutrition. But I am barely working and my diet is generally extremely clean. For me the extreme lethargy could be from making myself something to eat, or from seemingly nothing at all (even though I know it's cancer/chemo) and that's where I get annoyed. I still want to plan a day like I have a normal amount of energy and some days I do and I just power through and keep going and at the end of the day I crash SO hard. Most days I don't even have the ability to keep going and that is frustrating. It's hard to get used to and I ultimately just feel weak. I hate feeling that way but I work on acceptance. When I teach yoga I encourage my students to listen to their bodies and give the body what it needs today, not tomorrow, not yesterday and not some imaginary time in the future but today. And to not worry about what my ego needs, but what I need. There is a difference and generally that difference is pretty big. My ego wants me to go go go my body wants me to rest rest rest. Finding a balance between the two is difficult and most of the time my ego gets overruled by my body's needs. It's interesting because I know it's a good thing, I know taking care of my body and placing my ego to the side and resting and all of this is nothing but good and positive. Sometimes I miss just being able to do WHATEVER it was that I wanted in any given moment. Craving for a margarita? Let's do it. Want some ice cream? Let's go! Want to go for a hike? I'm in! See it's not just naughty things that I can't do. Sometimes it's just the walk to the beach and back that can be too much for me. And that's ok, it just has to be OK. Watching your own ego die is very interesting. I used to be so utterly self conscious, until I realized nobody cared about me as much as I cared about me. As Don Miguel Ruiz says we are all the star of our own show. Sometimes I feel like maybe I wanna get just a slice or two of that ego back because there are things I used to enjoy (i.e. shopping for clothes) that are very "eh" to me now. The thrill is gone and sometimes I want it back!

I believe one day it'll all come back and my desire and ability to socialize at gatherings will be refreshed.  My boundless energy, curiosity for life and ability to be social director will return. Or maybe I'll settle into this new way of being and become comfortable here. I'm a whole lot more quiet and introverted these days, small talk exhausts me so I save my energy for interactions that mean something to me and I can't say I hate that part of this new version of me. I'm still learning about the new me and I could actually like this version better than any other version of me I've been.

I continue to hope, pray, and wish for a long term answer to this disease. I know there will be one and I believe I can stay alive until we find one or until the cancer in my body gives up when it realizes that I am way more stubborn than it. In the meantime I'll be at chemo 3 Thursdays of every month, letting that bag of white cancer killing liquid seep into my veins and attack those rogue cells. I will continue to live my life to the best of my ability and keep advocating for myself. Every day I will tell myself that this exhaustion isn't permanent but all part of a greater need for healing.

Sleepily yours,

JP

XOXO