Posts

Showing posts from May, 2017

What now?

It's been 6 days since my last scan.

Which means that my next scan is in 84 days.

       It seems crazy to be anticipating the next scan, this last scan gave me more than I thought would be possible. Particularly given the time frame, 3 short months ago my body was filled with cancer. I was staring down 6 months in the face. The fear, anxiety, stress, acceptance roller coaster was (still is, really) taking a serious toll on my energy. Energy that I don't have much of due to ya know, the whole fighting cancer thing. But this scan, THIS SCAN!! Gave me that hope and that jolt of energy I so desperately needed. The most common question was "What are you going to do now?" and while I wanted to be like margarita party STAT! I quickly remembered I do still have two tumors in my lungs and am going through chemo. Then I was reminded again while I was at the doctor's office, alone like the strong IN-DE-PEN-DENT woman I am damn it, and had to run to the bathroom to vomit. T…

The waiting game...

Exactly two years ago is when this cancer business started for me. Two years ago. It was two years ago that I finally was releasing an album of original music with my band, Roses & Cigarettes, ready to go on tour. I was 31, single, and feeling like a rock star...when, BOOM! What the hell is that hard lump in my boob? As we know it was cancer, and ever since that day in May two years ago, nothing has been the same. And I haven't received ANY good news pertaining to my cancer since, really. Even though they kept telling me I'd be fine, it's only stage II we can CURE that. Yeah, tell my Stage IV diagnosis that! Every time I got news from a test or a scan it was never what I wanted to hear. It never had the words "decreased, regression, smaller" ever. Through all my smiles and positive attitude, through every trip to some tropical destination the underlying feeling was the same, "I'm really going to die one day soon."

Don't get me wro…

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Wherever you go, there you are.

I've heard that saying over the course of my life, and yes I got it but never truly until now. I recently took a trip to Kauai to see a healer, and get away from the stress I've been dealing with at home. And now my cousin for the second year in a row has won (earned through work, she is a PHENOMENAL human who also excels at her job, which happens to be dealing with very sick patients) an ALL EXPENSES paid trip for two to Tahiti and Bora Bora, and SHE TOOK ME!!! I am extremely lucky and spoiled, and I feel extremely grateful.

As grateful as I feel to be on this vacation, away from the array of doctors appointments and infusions and pharmacy calls. No matter where I go, there I am. And there is all of my baggage coming with me. My nausea, my food allergies/particularities, body pain, and mostly my fear. Fear has a funny way of creeping into your life. I didn't even know how much fear I was living in before my cancer diagnosis, let alone after…