Wherever You Go, There You Are

Wherever you go, there you are.

I've heard that saying over the course of my life, and yes I got it but never truly until now. I recently took a trip to Kauai to see a healer, and get away from the stress I've been dealing with at home. And now my cousin for the second year in a row has won (earned through work, she is a PHENOMENAL human who also excels at her job, which happens to be dealing with very sick patients) an ALL EXPENSES paid trip for two to Tahiti and Bora Bora, and SHE TOOK ME!!! I am extremely lucky and spoiled, and I feel extremely grateful.

As grateful as I feel to be on this vacation, away from the array of doctors appointments and infusions and pharmacy calls. No matter where I go, there I am. And there is all of my baggage coming with me. My nausea, my food allergies/particularities, body pain, and mostly my fear. Fear has a funny way of creeping into your life. I didn't even know how much fear I was living in before my cancer diagnosis, let alone after it. I didn't associate fear with my day to day life, but it was there in little decisions I made every day. It was only after my cancer diagnosis that I became conscious of it. I became aware of it only because the fear became overwhelming and all consuming. Every day became a battle and it was one that I wasn't sure I could win. I have days when the fear becomes so great I feel paralyzed and I'm not sure in which direction to move.

Going on these trips made me realize really how much fear I'm carrying with me every day. And that maybe it's not being in L.A., and fighting traffic and people to get to appointments, or get food or get your medicine. Maybe it's not where I am but what I do when I'm there. I arrived in Tahiti and took one look at the food options and threw my hands up in air and thought I shouldn't be here, the world isn't made for me. WRONG, Pagliaro that's just your fear talking. Get past your fear and start problem solving. This is where my fear paralyzes me sometimes, I feel stuck and can't problem solve. Once I realized this was fear I needed to push through to adjust, it started getting a tiny bit easier. The first step is always awareness. It hasn't changed over night and I have so many moments every day where that fear is there hanging out, sometimes I give in completely to it and it ain't pretty. Sometimes I can see right away that the fear is wanting to control me and my actions and I stop it in it's tracks. Those moments feel like small wins, while the others feel like EPIC disasters.

I AM TIRED OF BEING AFRAID.

So how can I break this cycle? The epic disasters make it hard to see the small wins. Those small wins are what keep me going and keep that other four letter word I haven't mentioned yet alive; hope. Hope is truly what makes me wake up every day and keep pushing through the fear. Because it is a choice I have to let fear win. A CHOICE. I'm not saying I can choose to be the brightest, bubbliest most positive person all the time, that isn't me and wouldn't feel genuine. But I can choose how I want to move forward after one of the epic disasters. I can choose to not let guilt and more fear control my actions. I can choose hope on the other side of fear. It's not easy and there are so many moments almost EVERY SINGLE DAY I have wanted to quit treatments and give up because my fear has told me what I'm doing is pointless. But I hold onto that hope because somewhere inside of me I know it's worth it. It's incredibly difficult and some days it's really hard to give myself a break and let myself recover and not judge myself for letting fear win.

Cancer didn't create fears in me but it sure as hell intensified ALL OF THEM. And I don't want to give that power to cancer anymore. I don't want to let that fear drain me of the energy I so desperately need to live with cancer, or live battling it. It takes a tremendous amount of energy and chemotherapy destroys that energy. I know I have the strength inside me to walk this up hill climb, even if I fall down the hill. But I don't always remember I have that strength. My family and close friends that have been around recently and have helped me through these awful moments are my rocks. And although we all have disagreements or we get upset or we are all feeling the fear they are always there. And they keep showing up even if I tell them not to. And that reminds me that hope is not dead. That fear cannot kill the hope, no matter how hard it tries.

I am not saying I'm done with fear. I'm not promising after today to never have another EPIC disaster moment where the fear has become all consuming. All I can is promise I'll do my best. And I'm not promising that to anyone but myself. I alone control the fear in my head, and you alone control yours. All I want is for us to try to choose hope a little more often then we choose fear.

XOXO,

Jenny