Back To The Drawing Board

Happy Monday everyone! I hope you all had a beautiful weekend, I know I did!

Last time we checked in I said that scary word: Progression. While I love the meaning of this word in most other aspects of my life,  cancer is not one of them. I got a liver biopsy two weeks ago and would you believe it the results were benign. Huh? So my numbers and scan say progression, biopsy doesn't. So what do I think now? Is the rest of it a mistake too or just the liver? Was the biopsy wrong? Did they miss something? The questions go on and on.

Although we have no real answers to all those questions, we have switched my treatments. I am no longer taking Xeloda, I have moved over to Faslodex and Affinitor. I am waiting for the Affinitor to arrive in the mail and they promise me no major side effects. They have also put me on a bone strengthener in case what they are seeing on the scan is massive scar tissue which can lead to holes in my bones which can lead to me breaking a bone very easily. On Friday I received three injections two for the Faslodex and one for the bone strengthener-there's nothing like bending over and having a nurse come at your behind with a needle. A shot to each cheek. I'll tell you what, after you see that biopsy needle that they're sticking into your abdomen and liver you don't really jump at a little shot anymore. 

There is no black and white there is only gray.

I've written about living in the gray before (there's a blog titled Gray Days for that one!). It's not an easy place to be. I wish I had solid answers to my questions and for my family and friends. But I don't, so I can only work on the information I have presently. 

1) Scan doesn't look so good.

2) Tumor markers have increased out of the normal range, but in the month in between tests they stayed stable.

3) I feel FINE! Very small amounts of pain have come through my bones, but it's so DIFFICULT to tell what is body pain and what is cancer pain. 

4) I know that whole I feel fine thing can change RAPIDLY, if this truly is progression.

And that's all I know right now. That's it. So I keep moving forward. That's all I can do. I have increased my holistic regimen again (cannabis oil, Chinese herbs, healing work, food) and I'm hoping that combined with the western medicine it will be enough to calm the beast again. 

In the meantime I keep trying to work. This seems to be one of the most difficult parts of being seriously ill. I may feel and look fine during some periods but that can change fast. Fighting this disease and going to appointments all over the city takes TIME and money. People don't talk about it, but the stress of this is ENORMOUS. Most days I choose to stay rooted in faith. Faith that financially I won't have to worry if I just keep forging forward and picking up work when I can, working hard on the band and teaching yoga. Faith that I am making the correct decisions for my body so that I may bring it back to a healthy place. Faith that I will be alive to see my nephew grow. Faith in medicine. Faith in myself. Every day I work on this. Every day I try not to let fear and anxiety win. Some days are better than others but that's all I have at the moment. Faith. 

I will keep working tirelessly, I will not give up. I am as stubborn as a mule and I do not like when people tell me I can't do things. In the words of my best friends husband, Ryan "That girl LOOOOVES a challenge." Yes, Ryan, yes I DO!! 

XOXO,

Jenny

Hit me with comments or suggestions on topics you'd like to see me talk about. Recipes, holistic regimen, western medicine, alternative medicine.....any of it!