Groundhog's Day

Here I go AGAIN. It's kind of funny to me looking at my last blog post, worrying about the cancer creeping it's way back into my body. It's like I knew what was happening. Knew I shouldn't feel safe just yet. Right before I left for Christmas I saw my doctors, I left that appointment feeling like I was stable and everything was looking good. WRONG. The next day I received an email from my doctor that my tumor markers had shot up by 50 points. I instantly burst into tears, and then spent the rest of the week at my sisters house wondering what in the HELL I was going to do. I came home late Thursday night and by Friday afternoon I was being scanned. I received those results on Wednesday evening and they were NOT desirable.

There is progression, AGAIN.

According to my doctors I have small lesions in my bones, lungs, and liver again. UGH. This is EXACTLY where I was a year ago. The lesions were bigger and more widespread then. But really? Really? I have done so many rounds of IV chemo I've literally lost count. In total I have had 10 months of chemotherapy treatments. NOT including the various pill forms I've been given. That's almost a year of my life, for what? For it to keep coming back? Both times we have hit it with AGGRESSIVE chemotherapy it backs off for a bit, then decides to start sneaking it's way back around my body. To say I feel stuck is an understatement. Hence the title Groundhog's Day. Here I am back almost exactly where I began a mere 12 months ago.

My next step is a liver biopsy. We need to see if this thing has changed. Checking the pathology will tell us if there's a better medicine for me. For those unfamiliar; breast cancer is generally fueled by one or 3 hormones. Estrogen, Progesterone, and HER2. When women talk about breast cancer it sounds as if we are talking in some sort of code. I was initially diagnosed ER+, PR+, HER2-. Meaning my cancer had estrogen and progesterone receptors in it, but was negative for the hormone HER2. We are doing a biopsy to determine if this is still the case. You can also be Triple Negative and you'll see that listed as TNBC (triple negative breast cancer). I am not looking forward to this biopsy, they will take a big needle to my stomach and basically punch it through to my liver where they will collect some tissue from the lesion and check it. Yes, I will be asking from some STRONG anti-anxiety drugs for this one. Ativan please and thank you!!

This is not where I anticipated being, but cancer has a mind of it's own. You can be doing everything you think is right and still it progresses. I have gone through many emotions the past couple of weeks and I feel like at this moment I've landed on some sort of neutral place. I'm FREAKING out on the inside a little but the other part of me is just like ok, well I feel fine RIGHT now. Totally fine. I know that can change quickly but maybe it can recede as quickly as it did last time. Then I think about what it took last time to make it recede and I just wanna lay down and take a nap. I can't imagine going back into that kind of treatment right now. There were days I could barely make it from the couch to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. My apartment is not that big y'all. And work, how the hell am I supposed to work? I've just begun to feel like I have enough energy to keep up with the band, AND teach more classes. Now I begin running around to doctors again and trying to figure out a plan to keep me alive. This can literally be a full time job, just staying alive. So who's paying for me to keep living? There are an endless amount of questions swirling through my head all day long. Fear in all sorts of various forms; financial fear, fear of how I will feel on my treatments, fear about not staying alive. I worry the doctors will tell me again "there's nothing we can do." I know I found a way before but will I find another one? Maybe I'm freaking out WAY too early. My numbers are still low and I have seen women bounce back from worse. But how can I not be freaking out? I'm not asking for a cure right now, and I'm not even begging to be totally clear tomorrow. I just want some stability for more than 3 months at a time. I want to go one full year without some sort of cancer crisis or major treatment. I want to live and I don't think that's asking too much.

I know I'm probably taking on too much of the stress at one time and I am aware I tend to SERIOUSLY over think things. I know I need to deal with my situation right now as it is, and not think too far into the future. The more experience you have with this disease the more difficult it becomes to not go down the rabbit hole. Especially when you know exactly what that rabbit hole contains. For now I shall try to remain positive. I shall try to stay rooted in the present moment, and when my present moment sucks and there's a needle about to break through my abdomen wall, I'll be sure to ask for the Ativan so that I can TRY and remain calm.

I will try and keep you all updated on here and via social media. Thank you all for reading and continuing to follow along as I try to make sense of all of this.

XOXO,

Jenny