The Bad News Bears

This past week I had a PETscan to check in with how this current chemotherapy is working inside my body. This month would mark the 4th out of 6-9 months of this chemotherapy so we were getting our progress report. My tumor markers (for those that are unaware tumor markers are in your blood-they check them about once a month to notice if they're going up and down as that is usually indicative of what's happening inside your body) after the first month cut in HALF. From 215 to 110. I mean it was CRAZY, full blown confidence from my team of doctors and me that the chemo was doing it's job. But then the next month it stood still. One of the markers (I check 2 every time CA27.29 and my CEA) had gone down slightly while the larger one stayed put. We initially had confidence the larger one would soon follow suit as the tumor marker that did drop a little is generally considered the trend setter. So month 2 FULL CONFIDENCE, month 3 confident but disappointed, and now to month 4 and the scan. The only way to fully describe what that scan told us is to say "WTF?" for those of you who don't know what that means it means "What The Fuck" or what in the ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON? (excuse my language but seriously though) If you're inside my brain.

My bones are clear, it basically looks like anything that is left there is scarring that the cancer leaves behind. Totally normal. My lungs are a mixed bag-mostly everything has gone away or gotten smaller but there are one or two new spots and one or two that grew slightly. My brain we took care of a month or two ago and there wasn't much happening there anyway (I HEARD THOSE COMMENTS-I meant cancer wise ya jerks! ;)) just a couple of spots we cleaned up with radiation and they were TINY spots. What was the most shocking of all was what's happening in my liver, it's got A TON of cancer in it. Looking at my PETscan my liver just looks black. And that ain't good. If the cancer consumes the liver it will consume my life and I will no longer be here. That's the hard truth. That's it, this could be it. BUT-I don't believe it is it. You see the STRANGEST thing about this is that this is NOT how cancer behaves. Like, at all how it behaves. Think of killing cancer like you think of losing weight. When you begin to eat right (aka get your chemo) slowly but surely the fat begins to melt away, you may notice the first thing to go is around your face and neck-places that don't store tons of fat. After that slowly but surely the fat begins to disappear, you wake up one morning in a completely different size clothes and it's just happened all over your body. You're smaller! This is how cancer works, if the chemotherapy is killing the cancer off in one spot then it's killing the cancer in all spots. Some spots may be stubborn because it has A LOT of cancer concentrated in that area but you'll slowly chip away at the tumor as the smaller tumors completely disappear. That is absolutely NOT happening in my body and I believe I know exactly why.

Let me say here that I can ONLY EVER speak for myself, I cannot speak to anyone else's healing journeys. THIS ONE IS MINE. And mine alone. With that being said as crazy as it sounds I believe this could be the end of the line for the cancer. The liver's main function is to filter blood coming from the digestive track, removing toxins, metals, and anything our body doesn't need. It's the last stop-what our body doesn't need is either stored/stuck in the liver or secreted out through the bile the liver makes back into the intestinal track where we can get rid of it from there through our urine and bowel movements. The cancer in my body has all collected here. I can't help but think that it's all here for filtering. And I believe I know why. I haven't talked a ton about the other healing journey I've been on because it's deeply personal and also a lot of people judge or think it's hogwash or simply don't believe and so why share it all? But during this healing journey I have worked with not only highly qualified doctors but also highly qualified alternative and holistic medicine practitioners. Seeing an osteopath, practicing Chinese medicine and taking herbs, seeing a healer in Kauai, doing hypnotherapy, reading many books and consistently doing reiki massage for the past 28 months. I have felt my soul grow in immeasurable ways. I have felt negative, stagnant, and other emotions that are not helpful leave my body and my mind. I have worked hard to gain control of my feelings of worth and have cried more tears trying to heal old wounds than I ever imagined possible. And through this all I have felt more free than I ever thought possible. I have found safety in letting down my walls and truly letting the love and support of my friends and family in.

When you begin to explore things like Chinese medicine you see that the liver is a HUGE key to your overall health. Mental and physical. The liver controls feelings of anger, rage, anger management, irritability, depression. loneliness. tinnitus, vertigo, etc etc etc. I would be an absolute LIAR if I told you that all of those things have not been struggles for me. They are deeply seeded struggles: managing my reactivity has been one of my greatest struggles. When someone or something triggers me I can go from 0-60 in a nano second. I have spent MOST of my life having fight or flight reactions, which are now completely aggravated by my hot flashes. SIDEBAR-A word on hot flashes just so everyone knows it's not just that you get hot. You burn FROM THE INSIDE. Like you have a little fire in your belly that decides to RAGE up. Along with that heat you get a SURGE of adrenaline that also puts you into fight or flight, managing this is not easy. Managing all of these emotions can be beyond exhausting, but I won't give up. I can't give up. If I give up now I'm toast. The emotional and spiritual work will continue. It will continue every single day I am alive, and I believe it is a key to stopping this. I believe my cancer has all gathered in my liver in a final attempt to take me down. It's clear it out or die now. The stakes have never been higher, I've never felt like I was playing a game of Russian roulette more in my entire life. The doctors have a plan though....

So yes, my emotional and physical healing is a VITAL step in my journey (if it's not for your cancer journey I am in no way judging, I just believe it is for mine) but so is my team of doctors. I would love to say that universal love and some greens cured my cancer but I promise it ain't that simple! The food right now HAS TO BE perfect and that's ok, I'm prepped and ready for that. My doctors plan is to switch my chemotherapy; I'm going back to the Gemzar I was on last year and instead of carboplatin I'm doing cisplatin. Carbo and Cisplatin are in the same family-they're basically cousins and we KNOW that it worked last year. Especially combined with high THC from the cannabis oil side of things. And I'll be doing a radiation procedure called Y90 or Radioembolization. They will basically inject glass beads filled with radiation into the blood vessel that feeds into the liver and that will block blood flow and then the radiation will release and attack only the tumors not the healthy cells. My doctors have done this with 12 patients and have had a 12/12 success rate. I also checked in with a woman from one of my breast cancer groups who said it was minimally invasive and minimally painful and it worked so I am confident it will do the same from me.

This fight has scared the living day lights out of me. It's forced me to change in ways that without it I'm not sure I ever would. I hate that something SO EXTREME had to happen to me to wake up but here I am fully awake, fully engaged in my fight and fully knowing there can be a beautiful life after this. Maybe I'm naive or maybe I believe that the only thing stronger than fear is hope. Maybe I won't be here at Christmas time but maybe I WILL. Maybe this is the kind of challenge I was made for. All I know is that I will NEVER stop staring this thing directly in the eyes and I will accept every challenge it throws my way until the battle is over.

There are fires burning up the state I live in and nearby communities that are the home to people I know and love are burning or have burned to the ground. The firefighters are working TIRELESSLY to stop this. People all over California are banding together to help each other. The fire in my liver burns with it and I pray that all the fires are put out and the regrowth of land, trees, and lives can begin. Until then we will be here doing everything we can.

XOXO,

Jenny