Here comes the rain again...

The rain has arrived and with it brings my favorite time of year in LA. I love the rain, I love the weather, I love how the whole city basically shuts down because we all forgot how to function in actual weather. I love how the news stations talk non-stop about it with their various "storm watches," really pumping up the drama for what in New England would just be called rain. I LOVE it. (Really praying for no mud slides though!) There's something about the rain that changes the attitude of the city, it's like the rain comes in and washes all the soot away and for a day or two you get to see just how beautiful this place can actually be. With it's clear blue sky and it's 67 degrees in December, with it's snow capped mountains in the distance and miles of coast line right here in town. If you can't tell I love LA when it rains, and it's perfectly matching my current hibernation plan.

I'm now one full round (2 infusions) into my new chemotherapy which is really the old chemotherapy so things get a little confusing there. But 5 days out and I'm finally feeling a bit better. Yesterday I felt almost better and today (so far-it's before 8am) I haven't had any nausea and feel just slightly weak which is actually my normal at this point. This chemo is NOT fun though, and I knew it wouldn't be but ugh-I almost forgot how terrible the nausea can be and feel during this. Unrelenting and aggressive but thankfully I didn't lose my cookies this round so I'm hopeful that I will maintain my weight and stay healthy through this process. Food and eating is difficult to maneuver and frustrating for not only me but for those around me. A word about this: Please understand if the person you are care taking for or you are visiting who is ill says they are nauseous from medicine don't try and food push them by offering alternatives and food options. It's so BEYOND frustrating for me when I am not interested and attracted to food, it sends me into panic mode. It can honestly feel the biggest wall in front of you that you just can't get around and I promise we aren't just stubbornly not eating, it can drive me to tears so fast it honestly almost shocks me. So at least there's a little food going down the hatch, which ends up making everything better. My mom is here taking care of me day in and day out, taking my doggy for walks and making me food and I've mainly just been snoozing or laying around. For so much (read:pretty much all) of this journey I've been battling the need my body has to just STAY HOME AND REST. Yes there are times when I've curled up and settled in but mostly I was always pushing, I'm a pusher what can I say?!?! Always with the "I'll be fine", "let's just go" attitude that never really got me anywhere except frustrated when maybe I couldn't actually just push through and had to rest. For most of our working lives we are fantasizing about being home on the couch but when you do it all the time it's just not so fun. This time around though is different, this time around I'm feeling the real need to hibernate. And I am A-OK with it!

I was recently having a chat with one of my best friends and we were discussing getting through a challenging period in her life and my life and just ya know in general. She said something that struck such a deep chord with me because I've said the same thing many times: "I just wanna get back to the woman I was." OHHH LORD do I understand what she means!! But can I be honest? I would never go back. Not if ya paid me. Do I want this diagnosis? HELL NO. But without it I'm not sure I would have learned the immense amount of life lessons I have learned. I'm not sure I would have gone on this deep of a healing journey, I'm not sure I would have become the person I am today. And the person I am today is my favorite version of myself. Cancer or no cancer. Because cancer does not define me-it sure as hell teaches me a lot though. So why for so long was I trying to just go back? Why do so many of us live in that past version of ourselves? Because our current situation isn't what we want it to be or thought it would be? Well for starters you gotta look in the mirror because if you don't like where your life is that reflection in the mirror is your starting point. It's the reason you are where you are and that reflection is the only thing that can change it. No one can do it for you. And then after that-I don't know. That part is up to you. What I do know is for so long I wanted to go back, or actually most of the time it wasn't back but I kept saying things along the line of "when this is over" "when I beat this" "when I kick Karen's ass" etc etc (side note Karen is the name we gave my tumor/cancer initially-I sincerely apologize to the Karen's of the world). When, when, when, maybe there won't even be a when! I hate to regurgitate a cliched saying but I swear to God I feel this way- Maybe it's about the journey and not the destination.

For most of my life I've been working around the thought process of "when I lost 10lbs then I'll be happy" "When I get that job then I'll be happy" how ludicrous does that actually sound? So you're withholding happiness from yourself because you don't have, what you deem, to be a perfect body or the perfect job, partner, car, clothes the list goes on? I've thought about this a good amount over the past little over two years. I remember I very clearly made the decision early on in my Stage IV diagnosis that I would stop waiting to be happy. That I would be happy now because I didn't know how much time I had left-and through my misery and through my ups and downs and meltdowns and breakdowns and triumphs and losses I have attempted to keep coming back to my joy. My behavior has not been perfect and I've gone to the edge of insanity and back but I am human. I almost kept writing there, making more and more excuses like; I am sick, you don't know how much I'm dealing with and on and on and on and excuse excuse excuse and they're all valid but do you know what's the most valid excuse; I am human. I have ups and downs and don't know something until I've learned it because I am human and that's just how that goes. I've worked incredibly hard to be where I am now, am I perfect? HA-hard no there, folks. But I am a hell of a lot more peaceful and balanced and HAPPY. And calm. We put so much emphasis on being busy in this society. Like if you're busy you're SO important and people just need you. That's cool, too! I've been busy and I've also been free as a bird to do what I will with my day. There is a time and place for both, one is in NO WAY better than the other. So why do so many of us think we need to be busy to be validated or important or have worth? Some days the only thing I can physically do is lay down and barely be awake. Does that change my worth as a human being? No, no it doesn't. Our value goes beyond what we can "accomplish" in a given day.

Today my accomplishments may be that I home cook something delicious for my mom and myself, or writing this blog may be the beginning and end of it and the rest of the day I'll be working on healing or the concept of "active healing" where you are resting not just to rest but for the purpose of healing. Resting with intent. And really more than ever I'm ok with that. I think I was waiting for society to give me permission, like it's ok you can rest, you aren't lazy, you don't have to do more just rest. When really I have been waiting to give MYSELF permission to rest. I have been judging myself in the fear that society is judging me. Who cares if they are? I've realized I thought it was "society" but it was just me all along, not feeling good enough, not feeling worth enough, telling myself I'm lazy if I haven't accomplished enough. And ya know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of that word enough. What is enough? Who determines when it's enough and if you're right or wrong? I've been qualifying myself this whole time and blaming it on something else, judging myself harshly-that was good enough Pagliaro and you/that certainly wasn't good enough! But I'm tired of that thought process, that thought process is nothing but a hamster wheel and I for one was ready to get off of it. I could start working with a new feeling though and maybe that one is compassion. If we all started showing ourselves a little compassion then maybe we would have more to spread out into the world. And then maybe the changes we feel and see could be exponential, just maybe......

Enjoy the rain however you can! Splash in a puddle, stay home from work and watch movies, treat YO'SELF...it's raining!

XOXO.

Jenny