A Week In The Life

There are a lot of aspects about my life that don't exactly fall into the "normal" category anymore. 3 1/2 short years ago I was working at a bar, teaching yoga and working on Roses & Cigarettes. I had a pretty full social life, that generally revolved around drinking, and felt like a fairly normal 31 year old. The day I was diagnosed my life changed, and I knew everything would always be different. I knew that day that nothing would be the same, that that was a moment, maybe THE moment that my life would be forever changed. At the time I didn't know how dramatically it would change and I spent the first almost year of my diagnosis thinking this was a terrible dream I was bound to wake up from. It wasn't until that year later when I was diagnosed Stage IV that my life took a HUGE shift. My focus took a huge shift and now, over 2 years later I can't imagine going back in the other direction.

My life was seemingly normal, I worked, I partied, I saw my friends regularly, performed in my band, took my dog for hikes. Nothing out of the ordinary, just living. Truthfully I wasn't all that happy, I didn't understand just how unhappy I was at the time, but now looking back it's so blatantly obvious I don't know how I missed it. But there I was my semi-depressed, overweight and constantly fighting it, thinking I had a handle on everything, just cruising through life when BOOM; a cancer diagnosis. At that point I didn't have a choice but to wake up and change. The day I read that Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer patients has an average of a 2 year life span from diagnosis to death I knew something had to be done. I knew I couldn't keep going, the status quo could be no longer-something had to change. So I talked with some friends, started reading some books and did a COMPLETE overhaul of my life. Relationships that weren't serving me-bye bye. Food that did nothing but stress out my body, see ya! They say old habits die hard and yes, sometimes I definitely agree with that but when your life is on the line it isn't that hard to make the changes. I definitely think there are better ways to wake up then getting cancer, but hey for me, apparently that's what I needed. And I'm so stubborn the first diagnosis didn't wake me up, I had to get it twice!

My weeks look very different nowadays, and I'm not sure people have a full understanding of what it is I actually do over here. I've had a comment or two about how "nice" it must be to travel around and play music, and some "must be nice" comments about not having to go to work every day. And honestly those comments PISS ME OFF to my core. I would give every dime back that was donated to me to be able to have a normal week, I would give every penny back to not have this diagnosis. I wouldn't take a dollar if it meant I didn't have to live with this diagnosis. I work as much as I possibly can, and even then I have to cancel a lot. I push through exhaustion at performances in order to make money and live out my dream. Sometimes I'm coming straight from a doctors appointment or a scan and I don't make that the forefront of my conversations because really who wants to talk about that? One of my best friends suggested I do a day in the life blog, but I decided to go for a week in the life breakdown because this is what my life is like, this is what other girls with metastatic cancer lives are like. And it's not all pink and fundraisers.

Monday: Taught yoga, grocery shopped and did some food prepping, took Teddy to dog park and for a walk

Tuesday: Teddy for a walk to the beach, Brain Radiation at Cedars Sinai, business work for band, recorded background vocals at producers studio

Wednesday: Breakfast with friend, band work,  Teach Yoga, grocery store, Osteopath appt, Concert (attending not performing yay!)

Thursday 9am Chemo appointment at City of Hope, do business band work at chemo with Angela (Duarte-1 hour drive from home), after chemo head to producers house to rest before gig, 2 hour performance at Idle Hour

Friday: Business work for band, teach yoga, then cancel going to concert because too exhausted. Asleep by 8pm

Saturday: Too exhausted to do anything, couch all day, Asleep by 730. Had to cancel an interview and canceled going to the studio.

Sunday: Too exhausted to do anything, couch all day Asleep by 645

So last week was fairly busy for me and it absolutely exhausted me. And when I get exhausted it's done, it's over there are NO reserves. My sister helped me with explaining this to people by using the spoon theory. If you start your day with 10 spoons and getting up and getting ready and getting out the door is one spoon, then you've got 9 more for your whole day. When I wake up I can have maybe 3 spoons and getting up and getting food and getting ready is 1 spoon, now I've got 2 for the whole rest of my day. And they aren't refillable. I've canceled more social commitments then I care to remember. I've always been a hyper social person so not wanting to socialize is strange to me, but I've just had to accept that that isn't where my energy needs to be going at the moment. My energy needs to be saved and I need rest, my body needs to heal and that needs to be ok for right now. I wish I had more energy to give to others, I wish I had more energy to take part in all the things I want to take part in. I wish I could become 100% self sufficient again and not need a GoFundMe account to help with my bills. And I wish people from the outside could truly understand what it's like for those of us with terminal/chronic illnesses. People are generally busy with their own lives, or don't understand or don't know what to do. My life isn't "Cush" just because I don't work at the bar every day, I physically can't anymore. I don't cancel plans because I don't want to do them, I'm usually too exhausted to even get ready. And I'd honestly be incredibly happy to work and be social again and to be able to go through life without having to hold onto this giant weight, but it's there with me every day, everywhere I go and there's no getting rid of it at the moment.

My weeks are filled with doctors appointments and band work and dog walks and tv watching on my couch. They're filled with cooking and grocery shopping and yoga teaching and more doctors appointments. One day they may look differently, one day it may be less doctors appointments and more performing, or more socializing or this may be just how my life is now. That's ok-I've adjusted. But know as you're going through your work week and complaining about having to work or about that social engagement you have to get off the couch for that there are those of us who wish we had the energy to go to work or the energy to even not want to do things. I wish it was a WANT not a NEED to relax on the couch.

I'm off to teach yoga, bone pain and all because honestly-I gotta get out of this house!

XOXO,

Jenny