The Results Are In....

Last week I had a PETscan. I hadn't had one since the end of December and at that point things weren't looking good. This was the first scan since the loss of my good friend and fellow metavivor, Michelle. Normally we are texting back and forth about our anxiety and calming each other down. This time felt different without having her around, although I believe she's on the other side helping me out! This past December my PETscan had revealed that the cancer was spreading again and it was happening pretty fast. Fear took hold of me once again and I knew I needed to step it up and re-commit to all the little things I know keep me healthy. I have completely cut out alcohol, it's been 4 months without it which is kind of insane considering how much I used to drink. Saw my holistic health doctors, tightened up my diet, and upped my cannabis oil intake. My oncology team decided current treatments needed to be changed and fast because the Letrozole was clearly not working. I had a liver and breast biopsy to help us determine if our new plan would still be effective (side note on this- Breast cancer is generally "fed" by one of three hormones Estrogen, Progesterone, and HER2 and this is how they determine which line of treatment would work best. Mine was originally ER/PR+ and HER2-, biopsies help determine if this is still the case or if the cancer has morphed, thus ensuring the best line of treatment possible). The biopsy of my liver came back negative which left me perplexed but also very happy. The biopsy of the breast revealed that it only had Estrogen fueling it. When we changed my treatment we added Faslodex,  two shots in the each cheek, and I don't mean the ones of my face. Faslodex keeps my ovaries from producing estrogen. Then one in the back of the arm once a month, called Xgeva which is used to keep my bones strong in the places they have been weakened by cancer preventing them from breaking. I also take a chemotherapy pill called Affinitor, which I take every night before bed.

I was nervous to get my results but also felt a calm confidence that everything was going to be ok. My numbers were dropping quickly and now I had Michelle looking over me! You better believe I was still talking to her like she was here with me! The results came in and my entire oncology team and I let out a HUGE sigh of relief. The cancer is retreating once again. I am not clear, there is cancer still there. But it's not progressing right now, treatment is WORKING. At my appointment last week we were all smiles and laughter and my doctor actually told me I was and I quote "amazing" and I've decided to believe him!! This was the first time my doctors admitted how nervous they had been. After the intense chemotherapy I endured last year seeing the cancer grow so aggressively was disheartening to say the least. But I couldn't give up, I can't ever give up. It's a very strange thing when people tell me I'm "inspiring" honestly I just don't want to die right now, I'm not ready, I have things to do!!!!! It doesn't feel inspiring it feels like a lot of work, if I'm being totally honest. But this work is seemingly worth it. At this moment I'm feeling good, energy is great (aside from the fact that I have a hard time sleeping past 6am no matter when I went to bed!) and I feel quietly confident that I am going to be ok.

When I was first diagnosed Stage IV and I saw that the average life span of someone living with this disease was 2 years, I lost it. I was planning my funeral, and I'm not being dramatic. I've had a lot of thoughts about getting my will in order and getting ready to die. Yet something inside me keeps saying NO. NO, this isn't it. This isn't your story. I'm stubborn as all hell and this fight is no exception, it will come against the FULL range of my stubbornness and I will not back down. I will fight until I can't any longer. It's been a little over a year and a half from my stage IV diagnosis and 2 1/2 years since my mets (metastatic breast cancer) was seen in my lungs. So I'm already beating the odds.

The American Cancer Society states that the five year survival rate of women with my diagnosis is 22%. So 22% of us live at least 5 years after diagnosis. Not great odds, but I KNOW I can be in that 22%. 2-3% of women with Metastatic Breast Cancer will live a normal life expectancy. 2-3%!!!!! So why couldn't that be me? That statistic, that small 2-3% is what I chase after every single day. I'm not settling at 5 years. I'm shooting for the finish line.

So here I am now, almost 3 years from my original diagnosis. May of 2015 was the first time I felt the lump in my breast, by mere accident. My stomach immediately dropped and my whole body got nervous. I cannot believe how long ago that was. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in that period of time and I couldn't be more thankful with where I am today. Have I loved or even liked every moment? That'd be a real hard no. But those times are what make the good times that much better. It makes me love those perfect life moments even more. It has made me love the people that love me even more than I already do. When someone's greatest fear becomes their reality they don't have much in life to be fearful of anymore. I have nothing to lose, I am choosing to stay alive every day. If I didn't want to it'd be very easy for me to just let the cancer run it's course on my body and go see the other side. But I want to be here, and every day I remember that. I want to be doing the work I'm doing. I want to be experiencing every thing life has to offer; the pain, the joy, all of it.

There is no light without darkness.

XOXO,

Jenny

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Leave a comment or email me at jennypagliaro@gmail.com