Beating the odds...
Two years ago today I went to the ER with a swollen left arm and trouble breathing. I was concerned about what was going on as my arm seemed to have gone from normal to swollen quick. Having started chemo a month before hand I was scared and worried. It turns out it was simply a blood clot in my catheter line (my port for my chemo was in my left arm and it is fairly common for a blood clot to form in the line). What I wasn't expecting was for the doctors to tell me I had a nodule that looked concerning in my left lung. I relayed this information to my oncology team and nothing was done. Not until July of 2016 when I had surgery to remove the nodule, which turned out out to be my metastatic breast cancer. So today, this day, is my only reference point to when I KNOW I was Stage IV, which means today marks the day when I know for a fact that I am beating the odds.
I have connected with other women with Stage IV MBC on Facebook and I see the stories, some are beating the odds and have 10+ years of NEAD underneath their belt and some aren't so lucky. This disease has an incredibly wide range of outcomes, most don't beat the odds. There's a reason Google told me the average time a woman lives with MBC is 2 years, because it's true. My choice was to keep fighting and trusting my gut and it lead me in the right direction, but other women aren't so lucky. My head is always struggling with the balance of being happy that everything I have done has worked and having survivors guilt. I see women getting sicker or being told there's nothing to be done all the time. It's a miracle to beat the odds, sometimes my brain can't quite wrap around that fact. You never think you'll be in the minority-good or bad. I was in the minority when I was diagnosed at 31 years old, so why can't my recovery be in the minority?
I have to wake up every day and decide I will let hope win over fear. Maybe I won't stay in the minority forever, or maybe I will. I have to choose to believe I will every day or how could I move forward? I intend to keep making plans and keep following through with those plans. I cannot let fear cripple the life I have always intended to live. Too much of my life has been spent living in fear; fear I wouldn't accomplish my dreams, fear I would be rejected or abandoned, fear of never being good enough. I didn't even realize how much fear I was in until real fear came calling and I had to make a choice. I had to make a choice to BELIEVE I could overcome this. I had to choose hope. Every day I have to choose hope. I can't let statistics determine my life. Maybe I'm naive but I refuse to let this disease define my entire life.
Looking back over these past 2 1/2 years can be overwhelming for me. There's not one second of this journey I would take back, but I also wouldn't ever want to go through it again. Working through your fear is NOT easy. Letting go of emotions from your past is NOT easy. Releasing things in your life that aren't serving you isn't easy. All my habits and comforts have had to shift, and I am happier for it. I never thought I would be, but I am. I no longer feel the need to put up the walls around me, this entire experience has stripped me of the need to hide. I couldn't hide behind my perfectly ombre'd, beach curled hair anymore, that all fell out. I wasn't in control of my body and I certainly was not in control of all of my emotions. I have been the absolute best version of myself and the absolute worst version of myself. The highs do not come without the lows, but I tried to make my lows as productive as possible. I didn't want to live in those lows, especially if my time on this earth was coming to an end. I didn't want that remaining time to be filled with fear and anxiety.
I am thankful every single day that the tide turned in my favor. I am thankful every day that I am still here, that I am teaching yoga, practicing yoga, taking my dog for walks, and creating music. EVERY. DAY. No matter how aggravated I get with things, even on my bad days, or days I feel like slipping into self-pity I am always thankful. LOTS of women with my diagnosis haven't gotten a second chance. Most women with cancer as wide spread as mine don't make it. How could I be anything but thankful? I cannot change the fact that this disease has taken many amazing women. I cannot change the fact that it will take many more beautiful souls. I can choose to be a positive light, I can choose to be thankful that I have more time here.
That day at the ER 2 years ago feels like a lifetime ago. It feels a bit like a memory and a bit like something I watched in a movie. Almost as if I can't believe I was that person who experienced it all. I have had a front row seat to some of the best and worst medical care. I have felt as if I had actually lost my damn mind, and I've also never felt more confident in myself. I have no clue how long I will beat the odds, I tell myself I will always beat the odds, I will always keep fighting, I won't give up. I will keep choosing hope over fear. Even on the days I don't want to. I will never let a doctor give up on me again, I will never let my voice go unheard. I will encourage others to do the same. If my story can inspire even one person to take control of their health then that's enough for me. If even one woman fires her oncologist because they don't believe in her then that's enough for me.
I always end the yoga classes I teach by taking a moment to be thankful that we were all healthy enough to practice.
Maybe today be thankful for your health, thank your body for keeping you healthy. Your body may respond by keeping you that way.
2 years with MBC and counting.....
XOXO,
Jenny
I have connected with other women with Stage IV MBC on Facebook and I see the stories, some are beating the odds and have 10+ years of NEAD underneath their belt and some aren't so lucky. This disease has an incredibly wide range of outcomes, most don't beat the odds. There's a reason Google told me the average time a woman lives with MBC is 2 years, because it's true. My choice was to keep fighting and trusting my gut and it lead me in the right direction, but other women aren't so lucky. My head is always struggling with the balance of being happy that everything I have done has worked and having survivors guilt. I see women getting sicker or being told there's nothing to be done all the time. It's a miracle to beat the odds, sometimes my brain can't quite wrap around that fact. You never think you'll be in the minority-good or bad. I was in the minority when I was diagnosed at 31 years old, so why can't my recovery be in the minority?
I have to wake up every day and decide I will let hope win over fear. Maybe I won't stay in the minority forever, or maybe I will. I have to choose to believe I will every day or how could I move forward? I intend to keep making plans and keep following through with those plans. I cannot let fear cripple the life I have always intended to live. Too much of my life has been spent living in fear; fear I wouldn't accomplish my dreams, fear I would be rejected or abandoned, fear of never being good enough. I didn't even realize how much fear I was in until real fear came calling and I had to make a choice. I had to make a choice to BELIEVE I could overcome this. I had to choose hope. Every day I have to choose hope. I can't let statistics determine my life. Maybe I'm naive but I refuse to let this disease define my entire life.
Looking back over these past 2 1/2 years can be overwhelming for me. There's not one second of this journey I would take back, but I also wouldn't ever want to go through it again. Working through your fear is NOT easy. Letting go of emotions from your past is NOT easy. Releasing things in your life that aren't serving you isn't easy. All my habits and comforts have had to shift, and I am happier for it. I never thought I would be, but I am. I no longer feel the need to put up the walls around me, this entire experience has stripped me of the need to hide. I couldn't hide behind my perfectly ombre'd, beach curled hair anymore, that all fell out. I wasn't in control of my body and I certainly was not in control of all of my emotions. I have been the absolute best version of myself and the absolute worst version of myself. The highs do not come without the lows, but I tried to make my lows as productive as possible. I didn't want to live in those lows, especially if my time on this earth was coming to an end. I didn't want that remaining time to be filled with fear and anxiety.
I am thankful every single day that the tide turned in my favor. I am thankful every day that I am still here, that I am teaching yoga, practicing yoga, taking my dog for walks, and creating music. EVERY. DAY. No matter how aggravated I get with things, even on my bad days, or days I feel like slipping into self-pity I am always thankful. LOTS of women with my diagnosis haven't gotten a second chance. Most women with cancer as wide spread as mine don't make it. How could I be anything but thankful? I cannot change the fact that this disease has taken many amazing women. I cannot change the fact that it will take many more beautiful souls. I can choose to be a positive light, I can choose to be thankful that I have more time here.
That day at the ER 2 years ago feels like a lifetime ago. It feels a bit like a memory and a bit like something I watched in a movie. Almost as if I can't believe I was that person who experienced it all. I have had a front row seat to some of the best and worst medical care. I have felt as if I had actually lost my damn mind, and I've also never felt more confident in myself. I have no clue how long I will beat the odds, I tell myself I will always beat the odds, I will always keep fighting, I won't give up. I will keep choosing hope over fear. Even on the days I don't want to. I will never let a doctor give up on me again, I will never let my voice go unheard. I will encourage others to do the same. If my story can inspire even one person to take control of their health then that's enough for me. If even one woman fires her oncologist because they don't believe in her then that's enough for me.
I always end the yoga classes I teach by taking a moment to be thankful that we were all healthy enough to practice.
Maybe today be thankful for your health, thank your body for keeping you healthy. Your body may respond by keeping you that way.
2 years with MBC and counting.....
XOXO,
Jenny
great! I'm working on being grateful about what I have and grateful to my healthy body, which i sometimes put through hell. Thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM BREAST CANCER.
ReplyDeleteI'm here again to appreciate. DR WILLIAMS God will always continue to bless you more abundantly, for the good works you done in my life, I will always keep on writing good and posting my testimonies about you on the Internet, I’m Jessica from Orlando, Florida. I was tested breast cancer positive, I saw a blog on how DR WILLIAMS cured people with his herbal portion, i did not believe in natural medicine but i just decided to give him a try, I contacted him,and explain my situation to him,few day later he sent me the herb, after taking doc Williams herbal medicine for few week i also got my healing with his herbal portion, i am so happy. If you have any type of cancer problem ,you can contact him on Drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product,i hope this testimony also help some one out there .
As a sign of gratitude for how my wife was saved from CANCER, i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
ReplyDeleteMy wife suffered cancer in the year 2013 and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because she was my all and the symptoms were terrible, she always complain of abnormal vaginal bleeding, and she always have pain during sexual intercourse. . we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure her. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony by someone who was cured and so many other with similar body problem, and he left the contact of the doctor who had the cure to cancer . I never imagined cancer. has a natural cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my wife will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my wife used it and in one months time she was fully okay even up till this moment she is so full of life. cancer. has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098675@gmail.com on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony.
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