The Self-Appraisal
Life has been busy lately, and it's been strange to get used to that pace again. Living with MBC (Metastatic Breast Cancer) means living your entire life without a solid answer to anything. Going with the flow takes on an entirely new meaning. The tides don't follow a predictable schedule, it may be high tide one minute and very low tide the next, finding your own steady footing is a challenge. But I like a challenge. In fact I've complained about them most of my life but I think deep down I actually love them. Attempting to flourish in the face of this disease is one of the biggest challenges I have faced in my life. I have changed in immeasurable ways and have been forced to not only look at my own mortality (we ALL have an expiration date), but learn to live with the knowledge that my expiration date may come a hell of a lot sooner than that of my peers. And please don't hit me back with the comment about how "I could get hit by a bus tomorrow," not only is that NOT AT ALL an equivalent, it devalues the courage it takes for women with MBC to face the world with this disease day in and day out.
I have written before about how society views people who are sick and have limitations but I wanna bring it a little closer to home today.
Day in and day out I honestly am very happy with where I am in my life. I am literally LIVING the dream I had as a child. Which not a lot of people can say. In this way I am incredible fortunate that I was given a hell of a stubborn streak. I have always refused to accept the status quo, always searching for something else. For most of my life I've believed that the things I am seeking are creative freedom, financial security through that creativity, and a romantic partner to share it all with. Are these still the things I am seeking? YES! But it's not all I'm seeking. My entire life I've left out the one thing I needed to be able to find what I am seeking; my VALUE.
This past year, I've come to realize, has been about me finding my value. It's a struggle every day of my life. EVERY. DAY. I have to wake up every single morning and decide that this life is valuable enough to do everything it takes to keep me alive. I have countless doctors appointments, I spend more money than I make at this moment and have a bank account that rapidly decreases every day. I have thought about stopping certain appointments, and not seeing any doctor that my insurance won't pay for but these doctors are helping me stay alive. So money has to have less value than my life, but money makes the world go round. My life constantly becomes a catch 22; if I feel well enough today to work, I may not next week and that doesn't go over well with a boss who has hired you to do a job. If I go to work now while I'm feeling decent but then in 9 months have to go back into an intense treatment then I lose my social security (doesn't even cover my rent) and it can take well over 6 months and an INSANE amount of paperwork to try and get it back. And this is only scratching the surface, every single time I say no to eating some food that doesn't work for me, or not going out and having 27583959 margaritas like I want to (God help me, I LOVE a margarita) I am making a choice that my LIFE has VALUE.
This has created a separation between me and other people. Some of these people were acquaintances, and some were not. I feel as if my entire belief system got turned on it's head and I had to build an entire new one from scratch. Except it isn't from scratch because I wasn't just re-incarnated. I'm STILL here, and because I am still here I am bringing almost 34 years of experience with me.
Long term illness is really er, um....for lack of a better word, interesting to live with. People commonly say that you see the true character of a person during an emergency. I beg to differ. And we all know I'm about to tell you why. I'm sorry but being there in an emergency is wonderful and all but with that can come many different shades of selfishness. Hero complex, martyr complex, attention seekers, ALL of that comes out in an emergency. It takes a hell of a lot of compassion, sympathy and empathy to be there long term for someone who will constantly face major health challenges. Or maybe what it really takes is courage. The people who have stood by my side, come to my home on a regular basis just to do dishes and chat, or continuously offer to accompany me to doctor's appointments have tremendous courage. You think it's easy to watch someone you care about quietly weep as the doctors shove needle after needle into her damaged (from chemo) veins? I assure you it is not. It is not easy for me going through it but it is certainly not easy for those around me. And the longer I am sick the less of these people are around. Don't get me wrong I have 0 interest in having a bunch of people pity me; been there, done that, HATE the feeling. The biggest challenge has been remembering MY VALUE when these people make their choice to not be able to handle being close to me.
MY VALUE, I'm learning, needs to come directly from me. And my God that is much easier said than done!!! As much as I have had a 'I don't give a flying F*ck what anyone thinks' attitude most of my life it doesn't mean that it hasn't come without self-doubt. A lot of that attitude had to do with the fear that was keeping me in 'fight or flight' mode, and that fear came directly from my need to be accepted by those around me. Through the years I learned how to be relational with others, and even mold myself to fit to what they thought was acceptable. I know I have molded myself in situations to fit into someone else's idea of what I should be. And if I have then I know others have. Why do we keep seeking someone else's opinion? To balance us so we aren't totally lost in our brains? Yes. But I've found most of the time for me it's because I need someone else's approval.
Here's where it's been tricky for me with this disease.......
I have spent this year fighting for my life, I have been told I'd be dead in 6 months. I have had cancer in my brain, bones, lungs, and liver this year. I have had to do WHATEVER it takes to keep myself alive. Travel to Kauai to see a healer? YUP. Get reiki and massages and herbs and hyper-baric chambers and breathing workshops? Done it all. Have MANY people looked at me like I am a crazy person? Ha, yup. Has every single person I have met who finds out I have cancer told me about some miracle drug, someone who beat it or the many who have succumbed to it? You betcha! And through every crazy look, every person who jumps ship, and every doctor who told me "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do" I have had to dig EXTREMELY deep and remember MY VALUE. I have failed miserably on some days, but thank the heavens a good night's sleep can really change an attitude.
There have been many people to jump ship once I changed. This has been a HUGE hit to my belief system and on many occasions my self worth.
How am I supposed to believe that I will meet a man who doesn't think I am way too risky of an option? Friends I have had for years have said things like "Well it's hard for us to see you like this" and "I just don't know how to be friends with her right now" and many other similar sentiments. So how am I to believe someone I'm just meeting will look past that and want to jump in and involve themselves when it is too hard for some of those already involved in my life? If these sorts of things wouldn't effect your self worth than please tell me the secret! I have many days where I feel alone on an island, my life is PERMANENTLY different. The old Jenny is gone, but Jenny is not dead. Having this disease means it will ALWAYS be a challenge. Could it mean I'm on borrowed time? Abso-fucking-lutely. But I have time right now, so why have so many chosen to mourn me before I'm in the ground? I honestly don't know. Maybe I changed too much, maybe I put up too many boundaries, maybe I couldn't relate the same way. These are probably all valid statements. But it's hard to remember your value when people keep disappearing from your life. Is it the disease and fear of our own mortality or is it who I've become as I've stared this disease in the face? Maybe it's both.
Honestly, it's none of my business why people have left my life. Most of the time I do not think of these people or feel the hurt anymore. I am happy with where my life is and where it is going, genuinely. I meant it when I said I am not writing this for pity. I am writing this so that other women like me, with MBC, remember THEIR value. The woman with MBC who's husband cheated on her and made her feel like it was her fault. YOU HAVE VALUE. To the women with MBC who are single and still hopeful they will fall in love, YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. Mainly I'm writing this so I may remember my value. I may remember that I am worthy of love. I am worthy of the best kind of love; SELF-LOVE.
XOXO,
Jenny
Please share your thoughts, ideas, grievances in the comments section!
I have written before about how society views people who are sick and have limitations but I wanna bring it a little closer to home today.
Day in and day out I honestly am very happy with where I am in my life. I am literally LIVING the dream I had as a child. Which not a lot of people can say. In this way I am incredible fortunate that I was given a hell of a stubborn streak. I have always refused to accept the status quo, always searching for something else. For most of my life I've believed that the things I am seeking are creative freedom, financial security through that creativity, and a romantic partner to share it all with. Are these still the things I am seeking? YES! But it's not all I'm seeking. My entire life I've left out the one thing I needed to be able to find what I am seeking; my VALUE.
This past year, I've come to realize, has been about me finding my value. It's a struggle every day of my life. EVERY. DAY. I have to wake up every single morning and decide that this life is valuable enough to do everything it takes to keep me alive. I have countless doctors appointments, I spend more money than I make at this moment and have a bank account that rapidly decreases every day. I have thought about stopping certain appointments, and not seeing any doctor that my insurance won't pay for but these doctors are helping me stay alive. So money has to have less value than my life, but money makes the world go round. My life constantly becomes a catch 22; if I feel well enough today to work, I may not next week and that doesn't go over well with a boss who has hired you to do a job. If I go to work now while I'm feeling decent but then in 9 months have to go back into an intense treatment then I lose my social security (doesn't even cover my rent) and it can take well over 6 months and an INSANE amount of paperwork to try and get it back. And this is only scratching the surface, every single time I say no to eating some food that doesn't work for me, or not going out and having 27583959 margaritas like I want to (God help me, I LOVE a margarita) I am making a choice that my LIFE has VALUE.
This has created a separation between me and other people. Some of these people were acquaintances, and some were not. I feel as if my entire belief system got turned on it's head and I had to build an entire new one from scratch. Except it isn't from scratch because I wasn't just re-incarnated. I'm STILL here, and because I am still here I am bringing almost 34 years of experience with me.
Long term illness is really er, um....for lack of a better word, interesting to live with. People commonly say that you see the true character of a person during an emergency. I beg to differ. And we all know I'm about to tell you why. I'm sorry but being there in an emergency is wonderful and all but with that can come many different shades of selfishness. Hero complex, martyr complex, attention seekers, ALL of that comes out in an emergency. It takes a hell of a lot of compassion, sympathy and empathy to be there long term for someone who will constantly face major health challenges. Or maybe what it really takes is courage. The people who have stood by my side, come to my home on a regular basis just to do dishes and chat, or continuously offer to accompany me to doctor's appointments have tremendous courage. You think it's easy to watch someone you care about quietly weep as the doctors shove needle after needle into her damaged (from chemo) veins? I assure you it is not. It is not easy for me going through it but it is certainly not easy for those around me. And the longer I am sick the less of these people are around. Don't get me wrong I have 0 interest in having a bunch of people pity me; been there, done that, HATE the feeling. The biggest challenge has been remembering MY VALUE when these people make their choice to not be able to handle being close to me.
MY VALUE, I'm learning, needs to come directly from me. And my God that is much easier said than done!!! As much as I have had a 'I don't give a flying F*ck what anyone thinks' attitude most of my life it doesn't mean that it hasn't come without self-doubt. A lot of that attitude had to do with the fear that was keeping me in 'fight or flight' mode, and that fear came directly from my need to be accepted by those around me. Through the years I learned how to be relational with others, and even mold myself to fit to what they thought was acceptable. I know I have molded myself in situations to fit into someone else's idea of what I should be. And if I have then I know others have. Why do we keep seeking someone else's opinion? To balance us so we aren't totally lost in our brains? Yes. But I've found most of the time for me it's because I need someone else's approval.
Here's where it's been tricky for me with this disease.......
I have spent this year fighting for my life, I have been told I'd be dead in 6 months. I have had cancer in my brain, bones, lungs, and liver this year. I have had to do WHATEVER it takes to keep myself alive. Travel to Kauai to see a healer? YUP. Get reiki and massages and herbs and hyper-baric chambers and breathing workshops? Done it all. Have MANY people looked at me like I am a crazy person? Ha, yup. Has every single person I have met who finds out I have cancer told me about some miracle drug, someone who beat it or the many who have succumbed to it? You betcha! And through every crazy look, every person who jumps ship, and every doctor who told me "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do" I have had to dig EXTREMELY deep and remember MY VALUE. I have failed miserably on some days, but thank the heavens a good night's sleep can really change an attitude.
There have been many people to jump ship once I changed. This has been a HUGE hit to my belief system and on many occasions my self worth.
How am I supposed to believe that I will meet a man who doesn't think I am way too risky of an option? Friends I have had for years have said things like "Well it's hard for us to see you like this" and "I just don't know how to be friends with her right now" and many other similar sentiments. So how am I to believe someone I'm just meeting will look past that and want to jump in and involve themselves when it is too hard for some of those already involved in my life? If these sorts of things wouldn't effect your self worth than please tell me the secret! I have many days where I feel alone on an island, my life is PERMANENTLY different. The old Jenny is gone, but Jenny is not dead. Having this disease means it will ALWAYS be a challenge. Could it mean I'm on borrowed time? Abso-fucking-lutely. But I have time right now, so why have so many chosen to mourn me before I'm in the ground? I honestly don't know. Maybe I changed too much, maybe I put up too many boundaries, maybe I couldn't relate the same way. These are probably all valid statements. But it's hard to remember your value when people keep disappearing from your life. Is it the disease and fear of our own mortality or is it who I've become as I've stared this disease in the face? Maybe it's both.
Honestly, it's none of my business why people have left my life. Most of the time I do not think of these people or feel the hurt anymore. I am happy with where my life is and where it is going, genuinely. I meant it when I said I am not writing this for pity. I am writing this so that other women like me, with MBC, remember THEIR value. The woman with MBC who's husband cheated on her and made her feel like it was her fault. YOU HAVE VALUE. To the women with MBC who are single and still hopeful they will fall in love, YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. Mainly I'm writing this so I may remember my value. I may remember that I am worthy of love. I am worthy of the best kind of love; SELF-LOVE.
XOXO,
Jenny
Please share your thoughts, ideas, grievances in the comments section!
I was at the Mint last night to see my friend's dad play in his band, and you guys came on after. You rocked the house! I and my friends were instant fans. When I got home, I looked you guys up to hear more and was SHOCKED to also find that you are living with this disease. You definitely have grit and are a total bad ass. At the same time, in just the little I've read on your blog here, your honesty and soul shine wholly through. I'm really in awe of your tenacity and spirit. In fact, my friend I went to the show with last night was just diagnosed with brain cancer, and it was the first I'd seen him since he'd had the surgery. I'm definitely going to steer him to your blog.
ReplyDeleteI work in Long Beach, so maybe I'll hope to see you guys at your show there next month!
-A new fan
ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM BREAST CANCER.
ReplyDeleteI'm here again to appreciate. DR WILLIAMS God will always continue to bless you more abundantly, for the good works you done in my life, I will always keep on writing good and posting my testimonies about you on the Internet, I’m Jessica from Orlando, Florida. I was tested breast cancer positive, I saw a blog on how DR WILLIAMS cured people with his herbal portion, i did not believe in natural medicine but i just decided to give him a try, I contacted him,and explain my situation to him,few day later he sent me the herb, after taking doc Williams herbal medicine for few week i also got my healing with his herbal portion, i am so happy. If you have any type of cancer problem ,you can contact him on Drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product,i hope this testimony also help some one out there .