Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

   
    It has officially been one month since my last round of chemo. Which is kind of INSANE, considering the level dis-trust I had in chemo after the first ones failed. This chemo lasted longer than my previous chemo, doubled it actually. I have now spent 9 months of my life putting a poison into my body to help eliminate the cancer that was trying to eliminate me.

I'm not sure I'll ever really wrap my brain around this whole experience. Two years ago when I was first diagnosed (Stage II) I was anxious to be done. I tossed on wigs, sipped on some beer, saw my friends and tried to say that this was a "temporary stop" before I returned to my life. It's just a test of the emergency broadcast system, we will return to your regularly scheduled programming soon! But it wasn't just a stop, and it wasn't a test, turns out this IS my life. Looking back at the person I was two years ago is strange for me now. I do not feel like her....at all. I am still me, but I believe I'm a better version of me. People change their lives for a whole lot of reasons-broken hearts, lost jobs, a traumatic experience-whatever it may be, something shifts and a person grows in a different direction. For me that experience was/is cancer.

For a very long time I felt this trapped feeling. Trapped at my job, stuck in this one position I couldn't seem to get myself out of. The rut was real, people. I kept pushing in different directions, and occasionally I even got it right! Yoga teacher training, forming Roses & Cigarettes with my band mate, writing songs and recording with our producer, were all things I accomplished while feeling stuck. I knew I wanted a change but I didn't know how, or where it would come from. I kept trying to move forward but I had one foot that refused to step up out of that rut. Life can find a way to push you forward if you aren't willing to take that step. You can choose to ignore the signs and stick to the status quo, or you can choose to be aware and wake up. This is called FREE WILL. And we all have it. We all have the free will to make choices. There are of course things that happen in our lives that we don't choose. I didn't have free will when I got cancer, just like people who are born in war torn countries don't have a choice about it. But I DO have the free will to decide how I'm going to handle permanently having cancer. I could be an asshole, or a victim every single day and blame it on cancer. I could be lazy and expect to be waited on, and expect my doctors to tell me what to do and fix it for me. But I don't, because I chose not to. You could ruin every relationship you have by cheating and blaming it on your daddy issues. WE ALL HAVE STUFF. But we also all have FREE WILL. 

Free will means we have the ability to make our own choices. I could sell everything I own and go live out my days somewhere tropical and forget anyone I ever knew. I wouldn't because I don't want to, but I could. Nothing is stopping me, except me. Which leads me to talk about how frustrating it is for me to see people not really use that free will to help themselves change whatever is making them unhappy! I'm not talking being jolly all day long, (seriously don't tell a woman to smile-that's a whole other Oprah though..) I'm talking about a genuine feeling of satisfaction with your life. Have you even checked in with yourself to see if you are happy? I thought I was happy and in control of my life and I was going to keep pushing forward to make it all happen, meanwhile I was exhausting myself, working too hard without results (seriously work smarter, not harder y'all), partying too hard and not taking care of myself. Of course I felt overweight and lethargic....NO ONE COULD CHANGE THAT BUT ME. I have had countless people ask me how I eat now, how I feel with the changes, why I do them, isn't it hard? Yes it's not always easy, changing never is, YOU have to want it. And I'm not talking about just losing weight, but let's use it as a basic example because that's what everyone in this country is always discussing. Diet and weight and working out. Here's the thing-we ALL know what we need to do. We need to eat correctly for our bodies and stay active. It really is VERY simple. Most people won't do it though because it involves them CHANGING.

The urban dictionary's definition of insanity is my favorite; "doing the same exact fucking thing over and over again, expecting shit to change. That. Is. Crazy." Yes, yes urban dictionary, it is CRAZY. But I still did it and so does everyone else. We attach ourselves to what we think we NEED to survive. How many times have we all said "If I lose that, I'll die" or something along those lines. No, ya won't actually.

Changing isn't easy in any direction, even the easy ones aren't actually easy. I am in process of changing my routine at the moment. Transitioning from one treatment into another less aggressive kind; a chemo pill named Xeloda. I'll take 5 pills a day and hopefully it will be enough to keep my cancer in a stable position. Along with ALL the other holistic work I do (it is extensive, believe that!) things have had to shift a little, less of certain meds, more of certain other things. I just recently got comfortable in my routine and it's all changing again. And along with my routine of pills I have to take, I have a life I need to take charge of! A life I may actually have the energy to live! But it doesn't mean I'm not having a hard time filtering through what is working for me and what isn't. I've already formed attachments to my routine because I found that it kept me safe. Changing that is now uncomfortable because I've grown attached to this false sense of safety. I'm not saying to go out and completely uproot and change your entire life. I made an extreme life change because I got an extreme disease, but maybe it's just working on your road rage. Does the fact that you have road rage and spend two hours a day driving in terrible Los Angeles traffic ruin your day, frequently? Well you can't change the traffic, believe me. I. Have. Tried. Doesn't work. The only thing you really can do is breathe and CHOOSE not to let it drive you bat shit crazy. This is much easier said than done but maybe we could just try? Or maybe just start by having an awareness about what things really get to you and explore why?

It's an ongoing process for me, I'm not perfect. No one is. We all make mistakes and hopefully we can grab a hold of that free will and choose to learn from those mistakes.

Let me know your thoughts, comment, make suggestions for a blog, tell me I have a dumb blog, whatever it is I'd love to hear from you!

XOXO,
Jenny