The Dangling Carrot
8 rounds (16 separate infusions-2 of which I was too ill for so technically 14) of chemotherapy in my body and hopefully that is THE LAST of it. For now.......
Having MBC (metastatic breast cancer) means I will ALWAYS technically have cancer. I feel incredibly redundant typing that sentence, but it is the truth of my life and can be easily forgotten. When I feel/look healthy it's hard not to want to forget about that cancer and to truly believe that everything is going to be fine. In fact it's healthy to do that, I can't live in a constant state of fear. But the fact remains that I have a disease that western medicine hasn't discovered a cure for.......yet.
Throughout the past year I have been working on developing my new normal. It's been a challenge and there have been many ups and also many downs. I have been fearful, overwhelmed with sadness and anger, and uncertain about everything, I have also been hopeful, filled with love and certain that I was headed down the right path. To say I've swung between extremes would be an understatement. All the while it's felt like I'm chasing an end goal that doesn't really exist; like a horse chasing a dangling carrot. The horse keeps walking forward, blinded to everything except trying to get that carrot that is just directly out of her reach. Now don't misunderstand me, every step I have taken, every change I have made has been done because I CHOSE to do it. I actively make the choice of exactly how I want to live my life every day. That has been a gift that cancer has given me; the awareness to know that every day I have the CHOICE. I do not have a CHOICE about how my cancer wants to proceed. I am making all the decisions that I feel are right for my body, but don't discount cancer-it has a strong-willed mind of its own. With every step I take forward I feel stronger and more confident about the ability my body has to keep me alive, but that carrot is still taunting me.
The reality of my situation is that I'll never feel totally free from this, UNTIL they find a cure of course! But until then a portion of me will always feel like that horse; blinders on so she can only look forward at that carrot she is so desperate to eat. I picture myself free again, un-tethered from the mess of ropes and chains that have become my limitations. But to be honest it's not backward I want to go it's only forward. Dangling carrot and all. I may not have the freedom to live wherever I choose and to do exactly what I'd like to be doing but almost everyone has some sort of limitation in their life. Whether it is self-imposed or because of an illness; realizing you aren't the only one with limitations can be helpful.
Despite the laundry list of limitations I have acquired, I have found the freedom to do and be exactly who I am with no apologies. Which feels like the greatest freedom of all. Since getting sick I have had many walls go up, and MANY walls that I have had to let come crashing down. My inability to allow people to help me (and the massive GUILT I feel when they do) is one I have had to work on constantly. Reminding myself repeatedly that just because I am ill it doesn't mean that I am an inconvenience, hold no value, or am undeserving of love. Society doesn't generally give a break to those with limitations. No pain no gain, and grin and bearing it is the way right? We have all seen the pictures of the beautiful smiling bald woman posing for the Breast Cancer Research ads. I hate the way they portray that woman, every single time. Slap a smile, some makeup and a pink ribbon on it and people are happy to share their stories of survivor-ship, happy to say how many years they've been in remission from their Stage 0 cancer, and happy to open their wallets to those who they know they can help cure. But tell people that you won't ever be cured and watch their eyes divert away from yours, almost as if looking straight at you may also make them catch the in-curable kind of cancer. Like it's contagious or something. Or my personal favorite is when they try to find something you did wrong in just a few questions so they can feel safe in their own decisions. Knowing I did something wrong can make the early stager feel better, she won't ever make that decision, it won't ever happen to her. I was an early stager, with the promise of complete remission and a CURE.
Now there are no promises of cures, there are no promises at all really. The collective they (the barrage of doctors and specialists I see) don't make promises anymore. They know they would be empty, or even worse they know they can't keep them. They know they have no guarantees when it comes to what will happen to me. That's for my body to decide. All we can do is make educated guesses. My next scan should be about two weeks from now, that'll tell us exactly how well this chemotherapy has worked in the end. How much active cancer is still visible and hope for a shot at being NEAD-No Evidence of Active Disease. I look at the women who have been in my position and are alive for 2, 3, 5, 10, 20 years and know that I can be one of them. Just because the percentage is small doesn't mean it can't happen, just because it only sometimes happens doesn't mean it won't to me. But all I have is today, this day to live exactly how I want to. Today that includes an osteopath appointment, teaching a yoga class and then some relaxing with my mom and sister as I recover from this last round of chemotherapy. Friday night that means rocking out with my band-mate Angela for a Roses & Cigarettes show. After that I don't know, I keep making plans and I keep intending to make it to them!
Thank you to everyone who has been supporting, helping, donating, listening, reading, all of it. Your encouragement and belief in me truly helps to keep me going. I've never moved at a slow pace and I have no intention of slowing this train down anytime soon, as my nephew Antonio likes to say "ALL ABOARD!!"
XOXO,
Jenny
Having MBC (metastatic breast cancer) means I will ALWAYS technically have cancer. I feel incredibly redundant typing that sentence, but it is the truth of my life and can be easily forgotten. When I feel/look healthy it's hard not to want to forget about that cancer and to truly believe that everything is going to be fine. In fact it's healthy to do that, I can't live in a constant state of fear. But the fact remains that I have a disease that western medicine hasn't discovered a cure for.......yet.
Throughout the past year I have been working on developing my new normal. It's been a challenge and there have been many ups and also many downs. I have been fearful, overwhelmed with sadness and anger, and uncertain about everything, I have also been hopeful, filled with love and certain that I was headed down the right path. To say I've swung between extremes would be an understatement. All the while it's felt like I'm chasing an end goal that doesn't really exist; like a horse chasing a dangling carrot. The horse keeps walking forward, blinded to everything except trying to get that carrot that is just directly out of her reach. Now don't misunderstand me, every step I have taken, every change I have made has been done because I CHOSE to do it. I actively make the choice of exactly how I want to live my life every day. That has been a gift that cancer has given me; the awareness to know that every day I have the CHOICE. I do not have a CHOICE about how my cancer wants to proceed. I am making all the decisions that I feel are right for my body, but don't discount cancer-it has a strong-willed mind of its own. With every step I take forward I feel stronger and more confident about the ability my body has to keep me alive, but that carrot is still taunting me.
The reality of my situation is that I'll never feel totally free from this, UNTIL they find a cure of course! But until then a portion of me will always feel like that horse; blinders on so she can only look forward at that carrot she is so desperate to eat. I picture myself free again, un-tethered from the mess of ropes and chains that have become my limitations. But to be honest it's not backward I want to go it's only forward. Dangling carrot and all. I may not have the freedom to live wherever I choose and to do exactly what I'd like to be doing but almost everyone has some sort of limitation in their life. Whether it is self-imposed or because of an illness; realizing you aren't the only one with limitations can be helpful.
Despite the laundry list of limitations I have acquired, I have found the freedom to do and be exactly who I am with no apologies. Which feels like the greatest freedom of all. Since getting sick I have had many walls go up, and MANY walls that I have had to let come crashing down. My inability to allow people to help me (and the massive GUILT I feel when they do) is one I have had to work on constantly. Reminding myself repeatedly that just because I am ill it doesn't mean that I am an inconvenience, hold no value, or am undeserving of love. Society doesn't generally give a break to those with limitations. No pain no gain, and grin and bearing it is the way right? We have all seen the pictures of the beautiful smiling bald woman posing for the Breast Cancer Research ads. I hate the way they portray that woman, every single time. Slap a smile, some makeup and a pink ribbon on it and people are happy to share their stories of survivor-ship, happy to say how many years they've been in remission from their Stage 0 cancer, and happy to open their wallets to those who they know they can help cure. But tell people that you won't ever be cured and watch their eyes divert away from yours, almost as if looking straight at you may also make them catch the in-curable kind of cancer. Like it's contagious or something. Or my personal favorite is when they try to find something you did wrong in just a few questions so they can feel safe in their own decisions. Knowing I did something wrong can make the early stager feel better, she won't ever make that decision, it won't ever happen to her. I was an early stager, with the promise of complete remission and a CURE.
Now there are no promises of cures, there are no promises at all really. The collective they (the barrage of doctors and specialists I see) don't make promises anymore. They know they would be empty, or even worse they know they can't keep them. They know they have no guarantees when it comes to what will happen to me. That's for my body to decide. All we can do is make educated guesses. My next scan should be about two weeks from now, that'll tell us exactly how well this chemotherapy has worked in the end. How much active cancer is still visible and hope for a shot at being NEAD-No Evidence of Active Disease. I look at the women who have been in my position and are alive for 2, 3, 5, 10, 20 years and know that I can be one of them. Just because the percentage is small doesn't mean it can't happen, just because it only sometimes happens doesn't mean it won't to me. But all I have is today, this day to live exactly how I want to. Today that includes an osteopath appointment, teaching a yoga class and then some relaxing with my mom and sister as I recover from this last round of chemotherapy. Friday night that means rocking out with my band-mate Angela for a Roses & Cigarettes show. After that I don't know, I keep making plans and I keep intending to make it to them!
Thank you to everyone who has been supporting, helping, donating, listening, reading, all of it. Your encouragement and belief in me truly helps to keep me going. I've never moved at a slow pace and I have no intention of slowing this train down anytime soon, as my nephew Antonio likes to say "ALL ABOARD!!"
XOXO,
Jenny
WOW ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS I HAVE NEVER BELIEVE IN HERBAL REMEDIES.
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