Defining Moments
EMPATHY-noun
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another
SYMPATHY-noun
1. feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune
2. understanding between people; common feeling
I've been thinking A LOT about these two words this year. A WHOLE lot. For a multitude of reasons; the most obvious being because I got sick and I needed a whole lot of empathy and sympathy. But it's gone beyond that now. It's gone beyond wanting my family and close friends to display these qualities during my time of need. It's become about these two little words working their true meanings into my every day life. Working with the awareness that I have no clue what's going on with anyone else isn't always easy, but it's also not that difficult.
Let's be honest going on social media these days can feel like entering a war zone. Political opinions flying everywhere, people who once broke bread and shared pitchers of cheap beer are at each other's throats. People unfriending one another and blocking one another left and right because of the political and social divides our country (and the entire world) is experiencing. Facebook was just a way to be silly, post pictures of your adventures and show the world how many friends you have. Now it's become a sounding board for every single person to post their opinions. WHICH IS AWESOME! I do it ALL THE TIME. Freedom of speech is AMAZING! What hasn't been amazing for me is noticing the distinct lack of empathy and sympathy shown by SO MANY people. People who I believe are in fact empathetic and sympathetic human beings. As disheartening as it's been I didn't want to become even more bitter or jaded. There is no room in my life for those feelings anymore. What I'm hoping is to add awareness. Awareness that none of us really have any clue about what is happening with someone else.
I am not going to sit here and act like my entire life has been about empathy and sympathy, more often than not it's been about the opposite. I have been notoriously hard on myself and others. I over-analyze and have been extremely judge-mental in my time. For me it was getting sick that started to break that cycle. And as I continue this journey I try and keep those two words and their meanings close to my heart.
* To keep the peace and stay on topic let's throw politics completely out of this argument, let's just talk day to day happenings. I don't give any f*cks about your opinions on social security and medi-cal, and I'm sure you give the same amount about mine. Also if you don't like animals for some INSANE reason, pretend the dog is a cane and the person walking looks completely normal with said cane or something of that nature. I cannot come up with something good as I refuse to believe there is anyone who dislikes animals in this world!!!*
Recently while on social media I saw someone on facebook (genuinely don't remember who) post about someone who was out in public with their dog. The dog wasn't wearing a service dog vest (NOT required by law, you can buy them on Amazon) and A TON of people jumped on the "I can't believe everywhere people are bringing their dogs, SO unsanitary" bandwagon. OK, so one person takes a photo of someone who they have NO IDEA about, posts it to social media and then everyone gets on the bandwagon to start talking about how terrible people are with their dogs. How do you know that isn't a service dog? By law ESA (Emotional Support Animals) aren't allowed in grocery stores. By law in Santa Monica ESA's are allowed in restaurants but it is at the owners discretion. I know this because I have a dog named Teddy, who just so happens to be an ESA. And because I worked in a bar in Santa Monica for 10 very long years. And do you know why I have an ESA, well I'll tell you....actually I won't because it's none of your business. I bring my dog with me wherever the law says I am able to. I'm sure plenty of people don't like it, I'm sure plenty of people talk shit on me when I have him. People look at me and think I'm fine. I'm not bald, I'm in decent shape, I look like anyone else on the street. If you're my friend and I walk in somewhere with my ESA and the person next to you starts talking shit on me for my dog being there what are you going to say to them? Hey asshole, that's my friend and she has stage iv cancer, how dare you, etc etc? We defend our friends when people talk shit on them and we use some version of "You don't even know her/him, you don't know their life what they've been through..."
Why do we have a hard time applying that same concept to people we don't know?
This happened to me recently; I'm in a wheelchair at the airport because I had to travel directly after chemotherapy and I was incredibly weak. We arrive at TSA and the woman helping me is being incredibly kind, the TSA agent was not. I got looked up and down and then the agent looks at the employee helping me and says "What's wrong with her?" I looked in his face and said 'It's none of your fucking business what's wrong with me, how dare you?" While choking back tears. I don't need to explain to ANYONE why I need help or a wheelchair. Ordering food at a restaurant I ask an ingredient question and the server says "oh are you on some paleo, gluten-free diet or something?" While basically rolling his eyes directly at me. "No I have incurable cancer and lots of food sensitivities. Any other questions?" And inevitably every single time "Oh Oh I'm sorry, oh my aunt died of cancer so I totally get it." Nope, no you TOTALLY do not get it.
These are VERY simple every day occurrences. I have felt sick almost every single day since starting chemo. I do not know that I have had one single day that I haven't felt nauseous, cold sweaty, or purely exhausted since March 1. And honestly my cancer was spreading like wild fire for most of the fall, so I've felt awful since basically November. I'm not here to throw myself a pity party, I feel great and incredibly happy with my life. Do I wish I was cured of this awful disease, OF COURSE. But I am adjusting to this just being my baseline now. Incurable cancer is my jumping off point.
THAT IS MY BASELINE.
Most of you have a completely different baseline. You start each day somewhere COMPLETELY different. Maybe it's worse than me, maybe it's better. The biggest thing to know is that it DOESN'T MATTER, its not a competition. And we won't ever know because I won't ever be you and you won't ever be me.
That is why empathy and sympathy exist. So we may feel compassion for others.
Hard work is rewarded, as it should be. But limitations exist and we should not be treating ourselves or letting other people treat us poorly because we have them. I didn't ask to get cancer twice and have to quit my job, it happened to me. Sick people DO NOT get enough money from the government to just sit around and milk it, and that puts people just like me between a rock and a hard place. I don't get enough to even cover my rent, so if I go out and make money then the government assistance gets taken away from me. So how exactly is a person who has limitations supposed to survive in this world? They aren't. Society has been set up with a survival of the fittest mentality. Well 3 years ago I would have fallen into that category. Boundless energy, three different jobs, an active social life, I was killing it. Until cancer tried to kill me. And while an abundance of initial sympathy came rushing towards me, long lasting empathy has been rare.
I understand it's not easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes. It takes a certain amount of effort to not just jump to a conclusion about someone. But maybe today or this week when you're going about your life you can stop yourself before or while you're judging someone else. Ask yourself why you find it necessary? Someone told me once that we get the most irritated with those around us that are displaying the qualities within ourselves we don't particularly like or try to deny we have. She told me that words were powerful and I should see others as my mirror. That really began to change the way I saw my behavior. We judge ourselves and others and then feel the need to bring people onto our team so we feel justified in our actions. I'm guilty of it and I know plenty of others who are as well. I have some ideas about why I've done it, and maybe you have your ideas about why you have as well. We don't have to beat ourselves up over it, but we can choose to look at it if we want to, and maybe ask it why?
I believe the MOST important thing you could do is to simply work on the cycle of judgement and justification in your own head. See what happens if you start by not judging yourself, or if you do find yourself judging see if you can switch the script in your head. Maybe try to send love to whatever it is instead.
Let me know if you notice any changes....
XOXO,
Jenny
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another
SYMPATHY-noun
1. feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune
2. understanding between people; common feeling
I've been thinking A LOT about these two words this year. A WHOLE lot. For a multitude of reasons; the most obvious being because I got sick and I needed a whole lot of empathy and sympathy. But it's gone beyond that now. It's gone beyond wanting my family and close friends to display these qualities during my time of need. It's become about these two little words working their true meanings into my every day life. Working with the awareness that I have no clue what's going on with anyone else isn't always easy, but it's also not that difficult.
Let's be honest going on social media these days can feel like entering a war zone. Political opinions flying everywhere, people who once broke bread and shared pitchers of cheap beer are at each other's throats. People unfriending one another and blocking one another left and right because of the political and social divides our country (and the entire world) is experiencing. Facebook was just a way to be silly, post pictures of your adventures and show the world how many friends you have. Now it's become a sounding board for every single person to post their opinions. WHICH IS AWESOME! I do it ALL THE TIME. Freedom of speech is AMAZING! What hasn't been amazing for me is noticing the distinct lack of empathy and sympathy shown by SO MANY people. People who I believe are in fact empathetic and sympathetic human beings. As disheartening as it's been I didn't want to become even more bitter or jaded. There is no room in my life for those feelings anymore. What I'm hoping is to add awareness. Awareness that none of us really have any clue about what is happening with someone else.
I am not going to sit here and act like my entire life has been about empathy and sympathy, more often than not it's been about the opposite. I have been notoriously hard on myself and others. I over-analyze and have been extremely judge-mental in my time. For me it was getting sick that started to break that cycle. And as I continue this journey I try and keep those two words and their meanings close to my heart.
* To keep the peace and stay on topic let's throw politics completely out of this argument, let's just talk day to day happenings. I don't give any f*cks about your opinions on social security and medi-cal, and I'm sure you give the same amount about mine. Also if you don't like animals for some INSANE reason, pretend the dog is a cane and the person walking looks completely normal with said cane or something of that nature. I cannot come up with something good as I refuse to believe there is anyone who dislikes animals in this world!!!*
Recently while on social media I saw someone on facebook (genuinely don't remember who) post about someone who was out in public with their dog. The dog wasn't wearing a service dog vest (NOT required by law, you can buy them on Amazon) and A TON of people jumped on the "I can't believe everywhere people are bringing their dogs, SO unsanitary" bandwagon. OK, so one person takes a photo of someone who they have NO IDEA about, posts it to social media and then everyone gets on the bandwagon to start talking about how terrible people are with their dogs. How do you know that isn't a service dog? By law ESA (Emotional Support Animals) aren't allowed in grocery stores. By law in Santa Monica ESA's are allowed in restaurants but it is at the owners discretion. I know this because I have a dog named Teddy, who just so happens to be an ESA. And because I worked in a bar in Santa Monica for 10 very long years. And do you know why I have an ESA, well I'll tell you....actually I won't because it's none of your business. I bring my dog with me wherever the law says I am able to. I'm sure plenty of people don't like it, I'm sure plenty of people talk shit on me when I have him. People look at me and think I'm fine. I'm not bald, I'm in decent shape, I look like anyone else on the street. If you're my friend and I walk in somewhere with my ESA and the person next to you starts talking shit on me for my dog being there what are you going to say to them? Hey asshole, that's my friend and she has stage iv cancer, how dare you, etc etc? We defend our friends when people talk shit on them and we use some version of "You don't even know her/him, you don't know their life what they've been through..."
Why do we have a hard time applying that same concept to people we don't know?
This happened to me recently; I'm in a wheelchair at the airport because I had to travel directly after chemotherapy and I was incredibly weak. We arrive at TSA and the woman helping me is being incredibly kind, the TSA agent was not. I got looked up and down and then the agent looks at the employee helping me and says "What's wrong with her?" I looked in his face and said 'It's none of your fucking business what's wrong with me, how dare you?" While choking back tears. I don't need to explain to ANYONE why I need help or a wheelchair. Ordering food at a restaurant I ask an ingredient question and the server says "oh are you on some paleo, gluten-free diet or something?" While basically rolling his eyes directly at me. "No I have incurable cancer and lots of food sensitivities. Any other questions?" And inevitably every single time "Oh Oh I'm sorry, oh my aunt died of cancer so I totally get it." Nope, no you TOTALLY do not get it.
These are VERY simple every day occurrences. I have felt sick almost every single day since starting chemo. I do not know that I have had one single day that I haven't felt nauseous, cold sweaty, or purely exhausted since March 1. And honestly my cancer was spreading like wild fire for most of the fall, so I've felt awful since basically November. I'm not here to throw myself a pity party, I feel great and incredibly happy with my life. Do I wish I was cured of this awful disease, OF COURSE. But I am adjusting to this just being my baseline now. Incurable cancer is my jumping off point.
THAT IS MY BASELINE.
Most of you have a completely different baseline. You start each day somewhere COMPLETELY different. Maybe it's worse than me, maybe it's better. The biggest thing to know is that it DOESN'T MATTER, its not a competition. And we won't ever know because I won't ever be you and you won't ever be me.
That is why empathy and sympathy exist. So we may feel compassion for others.
Hard work is rewarded, as it should be. But limitations exist and we should not be treating ourselves or letting other people treat us poorly because we have them. I didn't ask to get cancer twice and have to quit my job, it happened to me. Sick people DO NOT get enough money from the government to just sit around and milk it, and that puts people just like me between a rock and a hard place. I don't get enough to even cover my rent, so if I go out and make money then the government assistance gets taken away from me. So how exactly is a person who has limitations supposed to survive in this world? They aren't. Society has been set up with a survival of the fittest mentality. Well 3 years ago I would have fallen into that category. Boundless energy, three different jobs, an active social life, I was killing it. Until cancer tried to kill me. And while an abundance of initial sympathy came rushing towards me, long lasting empathy has been rare.
I understand it's not easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes. It takes a certain amount of effort to not just jump to a conclusion about someone. But maybe today or this week when you're going about your life you can stop yourself before or while you're judging someone else. Ask yourself why you find it necessary? Someone told me once that we get the most irritated with those around us that are displaying the qualities within ourselves we don't particularly like or try to deny we have. She told me that words were powerful and I should see others as my mirror. That really began to change the way I saw my behavior. We judge ourselves and others and then feel the need to bring people onto our team so we feel justified in our actions. I'm guilty of it and I know plenty of others who are as well. I have some ideas about why I've done it, and maybe you have your ideas about why you have as well. We don't have to beat ourselves up over it, but we can choose to look at it if we want to, and maybe ask it why?
I believe the MOST important thing you could do is to simply work on the cycle of judgement and justification in your own head. See what happens if you start by not judging yourself, or if you do find yourself judging see if you can switch the script in your head. Maybe try to send love to whatever it is instead.
Let me know if you notice any changes....
XOXO,
Jenny
<3
ReplyDeleteALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM BREAST CANCER.
ReplyDeleteI'm here again to appreciate. DR WILLIAMS God will always continue to bless you more abundantly, for the good works you done in my life, I will always keep on writing good and posting my testimonies about you on the Internet, I’m Jessica from Orlando, Florida. I was tested breast cancer positive, I saw a blog on how DR WILLIAMS cured people with his herbal portion, i did not believe in natural medicine but i just decided to give him a try, I contacted him,and explain my situation to him,few day later he sent me the herb, after taking doc Williams herbal medicine for few week i also got my healing with his herbal portion, i am so happy. If you have any type of cancer problem ,you can contact him on Drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product,i hope this testimony also help some one out there .