Here We Go Again....

Tomorrow begins my third time entering chemotherapy and I am having a WHOLE lot of mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I am very excited to start because in my case we know that chemo has worked in the past. It brought me back from the brink last year and I am confident it will again this year. But what I know for a fact is that chemo is not a cure. It has never been a cure and it will never be a cure. And those aren't the words of a girl who has read too many alternative healing books. Those words came straight from my oncologist when I asked him what is the point in doing this again if every year or so I have to lose all my hair and give up my life for 6 months? Honestly, what kind of life is that? His response was "Because you're young, and chemo has never been, won't ever be, and isn't now a cure. But it will keep you alive, and I want to keep you alive until we see one." Needless to say he convinced me to once again go into chemotherapy, and he regained my confidence in his plans.

So it's back to chemo, and back to those conflicted feelings about it. I am happy because I am experiencing a good amount of body pain at this point, and I know chemo will relieve this. There is cancer in my pelvis and pubic bone which I can feel, and cancer in my liver that occasionally aches. My hope is that just like last time these aches and pains will go away fairly quickly. Prolonged life-span and pain that goes away are your upsides to chemotherapy. The downsides are hair loss, general weakness, nausea, not being able to be self-sufficient, being tired all the time, etc. It's not fun, but it could save my life and that outweighs anything else at the moment.

It's so frustrating to know that chemotherapy is not a cure but a necessity. It's incredibly frustrating that the medical community at large hasn't come up with a better solution yet, and it's incredibly frustrating to know that most Breast Cancer research goes into the early stagers and not the late stagers like me. Thank God there is more and more research happening and some promising things coming "down the pipe" as they like to say in the medical community. Things that my doctor. believes will keep me alive and eventually cure me. That's why I do it. Because I'm not ready to die yet and I'm not ready to quit fighting. Am I absolutely exhausted? Yes. Do I want to be bald again? Hell NO. But I'm going to because my other option is dying.

The other day I was sitting there thinking about the chemo, being generally grumpy about it and a thought hit me: What if it doesn't work? Well shit, Pagliaro you never thought about that did you? And honestly no I didn't. I've had so much luck with IV chemotherapy so far that I didn't even think of that as an option. But that is very much an option. This chemotherapy I'm starting tomorrow is not guaranteed to work. My doctors think it will and I believe it will but what if it doesn't? I have faith that my doctor has a plan, and I have my alternative medicine back up plan if they have no options for me. But honestly these thoughts started hitting me like a ton of bricks. I've spent so much time resenting the chemotherapy for all the negative side effects that I didn't even take the time to be thankful that they have a medicine they believe will work on me and once again extend my life expectancy. That is INSANE. This has all become so normalized to me that fighting for my life has just become a part of my every day life. That talking about cancer taking over my body is just normal. After 3 years I guess that's what happens. The original diagnosis hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew from that day forward everything would change. And it has changed, my life has changed so much I barely recognize my old life. And I am beyond ok with that, but it's still a bit jarring when I take a walk down memory lane.

I believe this chemo will work and I believe in 6 months you'll be reading about how my cancer has receded and how my hair is beginning to grow back and we will go from there. Tomorrow is going to be strange for me, honestly most of the hospital smells make me nauseous now just thinking about them. The smell and in some cases taste of things being flushed into my port makes me gag-it's a sort of sense memory PTSD or something and I am not a fan of it. But I will pull into that hospital walk into those doors and take that chemotherapy like a CHAMP tomorrow,  because I don't have much of an option and complaining about it won't help. I will be thankful that that medicine is going to destroy those tumors and bring some much needed relief to my body. And I will be thankful that the chemotherapy is going to keep me here a bit longer.

Thank you to all of you who continue to donate and offer help and support me through this weird and wild ride.

#StageIVNeedsMore

XOXO,

Jenny

Comments

  1. So brave, Jenny! I’m very sorry you have to go through this, but fingers crossed, this will be the last round of chemo.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good luck in your courageous fight. We wish and know you will beat this again.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was diagnosed as HEPATITIS B carrier in 2013 with fibrosis of the
    liver already present. I started on antiviral medications which
    reduced the viral load initially. After a couple of years the virus
    became resistant. I started on HEPATITIS B Herbal treatment from
    ULTIMATE LIFE CLINIC (www.ultimatelifeclinic.com) in March, 2020. Their
    treatment totally reversed the virus. I did another blood test after
    the 6 months long treatment and tested negative to the virus. Amazing
    treatment! This treatment is a breakthrough for all HBV carriers.

    ReplyDelete

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