Do Not Pass GO, Do Not Collect $200

When I was growing up every single summer my family would head to my grandparents house on Cape Cod. No matter where my family was living we always returned to the place that we considered home. Along with my immediate family, my cousins and aunts and uncles would all get together for at least a week of family fun. A big part of this family fun was playing games; we loved 'em! Saved for the rainiest of days was Monopoly, we all love the game but during the summer it can really put on a damper on your beach time! While playing Monopoloy we have all gotten that one card, that one mean little card that stops us from GROWING OUR EMPIRE and defeating our beloved family members; Go To Jail, Go Directly To Jail,  Do Not Pass GO, Do Not Collect $200  (slightly aggressive but that's neither here nor there). It's a mean little card that can turn your Boardwalk Empire dreams into dust. We've all been there right? And I'm not talking about just playing Monopoly, I'm talking about the game of LIFE, (not to be confused with the board game of LIFE, that's different)! 

That's how I feel at the moment, Do NOT pass GO, DO NOT collect $200. All that cancer we killed a mere year ago is back, and it's ready to rage. My right femur bone and hip are just filled with it, my liver, my lungs, growth everywhere. I had been doing well, numbers came up around Christmas then went down, now big time UP again. I have a whole lot of feels at the moment and here are some of them; I am feeling depleted, I am feeling tired of fighting, I am feeling like what's the point of this, I am feeling like I would like to pass go and collect my 200 mother f-ing DOLLARS NOW! And then I try to breathe, and that helps a little. The thing is if I'm tired of fighting and just generally depleted I need to take a nap and pull my shit together, if I'm feeling like what's the point? I need to look around me at all the wonderful people (and doggies) and remember that this life is worth fighting for. Because if I don't then I'm dead, and I'm not quite ready for that yet. 

I keep trying to figure out some way to "get myself outta this" and as much as this is a big element and something I need to concentrate on maybe I need to just start living in it. For most of this experience I've been looking forward saying things like "Once this cancer is gone I'll do...…" you fill in the blank with any number of things from "I'll have a margarita " to "start dating again." I have been treating this disease like my biggest road block. And while it is a life threatening road block that my team and I need to keep figuring out how to break down, I need to start learning how to really live WITH this roadblock. Because unfortunately, it may never really go away. I am still holding out hope that it does, but I cannot hold out on living until it does. A lot of people, including my doctors talk about my busy lifestyle and I do so much, always running off to perform somewhere. And as much as I agree that yes, I try my VERY best not to let this disease slow me down and do what I want to do but there are physical limitations. At the moment my doctors have me on a sort of lock down. Ok lock down may be a bit dramatic, but I can't go for long walks or do any kind of physical activity because my hip could break. My freaking hip could break, am I 90? Well apparently so because I also may have to get a hip replacement because of it, as early as I dunno tomorrow? I don't think that's happening considering it's 3pm but that just means it could happen Monday. And if that doesn't happen we begin chemo Thursday. If it does happen we wait til I recover and begin chemo.

So you see, I've been feeling as if the single unit I purchased on Park Place could actually grow into a BIG ole thriving hotel. Things with Roses & Cigarettes have been better than ever, slowly but surely we are making our musical career dreams come true. I've had some help from some lovely fellow yoga instructors, asking me to sub for them and helping me get new classes. And now again I went straight to the "ok go ahead and cancel everything." But I don't want to just cancel everything, I also don't want to adult either most of the day so I feel mostly frozen. I had dinner with a new friend recently and he shared with me about his morning rituals. How he changed his life with action steps, and my response was- I'm always trying to get there but I feel like I rarely do. I went out to say maybe I "need" this or I "need" to do that. He pointed out that I kept saying but I need, need, need. I don't need. Sometimes inspiration creates action and sometimes action creates inspiration. I realized that I've been waiting for "conditions to be favorable" before I continued on. But are conditions ever favorable? 

I believe my conditions would become more favorable if my immune system recognized these cancer cells as foreign and eliminated them, of course. But I remember when I was first diagnosed Stage IV I had an epiphany about the happiness I was waiting to come to me. It wasn't coming for me, I had to create it and start living in it before it was too late. I wanted to have a chance in my life to be happy as is and not be constantly waiting for something to make me happy, i.e. career move, romantic relationship,  the perfect wardrobe, the perfect weight, etc, etc. How many times have we said "I'll be happy when I lose 10 lbs?" So wait, you are going to eliminate happy from your life because of 10 lbs? That would easily come off if you just stopped with the beer and pizza for a couple weeks? You can not be happy about the 10 lbs, take responsibility for the gaining of them and change it very easily if you want to. But when you're addicted to WAITING for something to HAPPEN, nothing ever does. 

So this is where I am today. This freaking BLOWS a big one, guys. Like BLOWS. My hair will fall out again and my bald head will be shining in a few weeks. I will have to drive  at least an hour in both directions in LA traffic minimum once a week for infusions (which for you LA people I live in Santa Monica, the hospital is 20 mins east of Pasadena FML) and I will have the chemo side effects all over again. Which at this point compared to the side effects of the cancer is looking ok. I need to be thankful there is a drug they believe will keep me alive and get me to remission again, even if it just continues to grow after that. We are buying me time, time I need to enjoy between side effects (that's a whole other blog about pain and the physical/mental/emotional body connection). I know I want time and I want to enjoy my family and friends for as long as I possibly can. I am gutted by all of this. I do not want chemo, but I do not want to die. So there it is. My options aren't great, the cancer is growing too fast. I want to do all alternative medicine but my cancer is TOO aggressive. It's grown too far, if I try something less aggressive the doctors are concerned they won't be able to bring me back. And that is not a game I want to play. I trust my team and they have been warning me this could be coming. I yearn for the day I won't have to worry about having active cancer, or a bald head, or cancelling gigs, tours, classes. But that day isn't here yet, so the only choice I have is to live in the present. That whole I have to choose presence, and happiness, and joy thing I talk about is A LOT easier said than done. As philosophy? Yes. As a living philosophy? I'm working on it. 

Chemo starts in a week, pending I don't have an operation. 

BRING. IT. ON. BITCHES.

XOXO,

Jenny