Routines and Ruts
I am a creature of habit. That's not to say I can't adjust, because Lord knows I can adjust. But I do happen to be a person that creates a routine for herself. Once I get on a kick, and I know it works for me I stick to it. That being said my routine at this point is beginning to feel like a serious rut. I have created a life and habits for myself in which I feel safe. My house is stocked with all the food and products I can use so there's no room for error, I know the restaurants near me that I can eat at, I have my vitamins and my health practitioners that work for me, I have my walk to the beach and my spot I sit at, my yoga studio in walking distance and have set my life up to be convenient for my needs. But at what point does this "safe place" really just become a safety net?
When I was diagnosed Stage IV I worked incredibly hard changing EVERYTHING in my life. I knew to survive this disease I would have to be focused, I would have to make changes and they would probably be uncomfortable. Goodbye old habits, hello new life. It was one of the easiest decisions I ever made, there really wasn't a question in my head about if I was going to do it, it was more about how. How do I create new routines for myself? It wasn't easy and it took time, patience, money and a willingness to learn and change. Almost 2 years later and I am still here kicking, but now with the passing of time I'm beginning to feel like my new routines have got me stuck in a rut. But how do I get out of this rut when it was created solely to keep me here?
Having this disease and attempting to be part of the small percentage of people who actually survive it is no easy task, physically or mentally. I have days (i.e. today) where I just don't feel like it. I don't wanna. I'm done with this. I've been in pain for a few days and like anyone with a chronic illness can tell you; it takes a toll, on everything. My mood, my general attitude towards others, my general attitude towards myself for that matter, are all effected. I try really hard to roll with the punches, especially because most of the time the punches keep coming so I have to keep trying to stay one step ahead of them. Right now I wish I could just turn it all off for one week and take a break, but that isn't a possibility at the moment. Today I go in for my monthly checkup at the oncologist, and my stress levels surrounding this visit are fairly high. Last month my numbers were up and I've been experiencing pain so my hopes aren't exactly high at the moment. I'd like to say I'm used to this rollercoaster and sometimes I feel like I am, but now is not one of those times. Right now the thought of possibly having to get into all of this again, and not even knowing what my next options even are is taking it's toll. I've been trying really hard to pick myself up and get out of this rut I'm in and create a new routine for myself again. I've been looking for more work, performing more, trying to socialize, and even dating. All are met with challenges that I didn't have before and they are very frustrating for me. I wish I could be the girl you take on a date that's easy going and can just stop for a quick bite and an ice cream, but I'm not. For me eating isn't just about throwing something down that tastes good, I need certain foods and it's not because I'm trying to stay skinny. Socializing with people I don't know can feel like a HUGE effort, and it's not something I understood before. Recently I was talking with another girl with my same diagnosis and she mentioned how she may not want to meet friends at a bar with all their friends because of what it turns into, the conversations are awkward and inevitably you end up managing someone else's feelings about cancer, or assuring them you're fine when deep down you really aren't sure that you are, or just not bringing it up at all. Which then looks something like "want a drink?" "no, I'm good" "what? come on I'm buying" "no really I'm not drinking at the moment but thank you" "Oh you doing like a sober month or something?" "yeah just a health thing" then it goes one of two ways either they keep pushing and I say I have cancer which is why I'm not drinking, eating etc or they go on to talk about the one time they did sober January and how hard it was. Then I end up feeling like a dick because I just want the interaction to end, as quickly as possible. As much as I dislike these feelings I have towards other people or situations I was SO HAPPY to hear someone else say exactly what I'm thinking most of the time. Thank you, Annie. You helped me feel less crazy!
For me breaking out of this rut I seem to be stuck in is less about wanting to put forth the effort, I am IN to put in the effort, I am not afraid of hard work. Right now, at this moment I am not WANTING to put in the effort, but I'm going to. For me it can honestly be about the HOW, how do I get out of a rut when I feel these limitations? Most of the time I just keep pushing forward and trusting myself that I'll find a way, but at the moment I'm not sure what my forward is. I know I want to keep working hard with Roses & Cigarettes, creating music and performing brings me a serious amount of joy. I want to be self sufficient and have to get some more work. I know I want to keep living and experiencing everything that life has to offer. But I also know that to do so will keep taking a tremendous amount of effort on my end, and sometimes that alone makes me want to just lie down and take a nap. My sister and I joke that she has stress induced narcolepsy, but honestly is that a thing? Cause I may also have it.
I hope to get some positive answers at the doctor today. I hope that the answers I am seeking find me, God knows I'm looking for them. Most of all I wish for some sort of peace and clarity in my heart and mind at the moment. I wish I had a more positive message to share today, but this is life with this disease, some days are good some days are not but it's all part of the journey.
XOXO
Jenny
#StageIVNeedsMore
When I was diagnosed Stage IV I worked incredibly hard changing EVERYTHING in my life. I knew to survive this disease I would have to be focused, I would have to make changes and they would probably be uncomfortable. Goodbye old habits, hello new life. It was one of the easiest decisions I ever made, there really wasn't a question in my head about if I was going to do it, it was more about how. How do I create new routines for myself? It wasn't easy and it took time, patience, money and a willingness to learn and change. Almost 2 years later and I am still here kicking, but now with the passing of time I'm beginning to feel like my new routines have got me stuck in a rut. But how do I get out of this rut when it was created solely to keep me here?
Having this disease and attempting to be part of the small percentage of people who actually survive it is no easy task, physically or mentally. I have days (i.e. today) where I just don't feel like it. I don't wanna. I'm done with this. I've been in pain for a few days and like anyone with a chronic illness can tell you; it takes a toll, on everything. My mood, my general attitude towards others, my general attitude towards myself for that matter, are all effected. I try really hard to roll with the punches, especially because most of the time the punches keep coming so I have to keep trying to stay one step ahead of them. Right now I wish I could just turn it all off for one week and take a break, but that isn't a possibility at the moment. Today I go in for my monthly checkup at the oncologist, and my stress levels surrounding this visit are fairly high. Last month my numbers were up and I've been experiencing pain so my hopes aren't exactly high at the moment. I'd like to say I'm used to this rollercoaster and sometimes I feel like I am, but now is not one of those times. Right now the thought of possibly having to get into all of this again, and not even knowing what my next options even are is taking it's toll. I've been trying really hard to pick myself up and get out of this rut I'm in and create a new routine for myself again. I've been looking for more work, performing more, trying to socialize, and even dating. All are met with challenges that I didn't have before and they are very frustrating for me. I wish I could be the girl you take on a date that's easy going and can just stop for a quick bite and an ice cream, but I'm not. For me eating isn't just about throwing something down that tastes good, I need certain foods and it's not because I'm trying to stay skinny. Socializing with people I don't know can feel like a HUGE effort, and it's not something I understood before. Recently I was talking with another girl with my same diagnosis and she mentioned how she may not want to meet friends at a bar with all their friends because of what it turns into, the conversations are awkward and inevitably you end up managing someone else's feelings about cancer, or assuring them you're fine when deep down you really aren't sure that you are, or just not bringing it up at all. Which then looks something like "want a drink?" "no, I'm good" "what? come on I'm buying" "no really I'm not drinking at the moment but thank you" "Oh you doing like a sober month or something?" "yeah just a health thing" then it goes one of two ways either they keep pushing and I say I have cancer which is why I'm not drinking, eating etc or they go on to talk about the one time they did sober January and how hard it was. Then I end up feeling like a dick because I just want the interaction to end, as quickly as possible. As much as I dislike these feelings I have towards other people or situations I was SO HAPPY to hear someone else say exactly what I'm thinking most of the time. Thank you, Annie. You helped me feel less crazy!
For me breaking out of this rut I seem to be stuck in is less about wanting to put forth the effort, I am IN to put in the effort, I am not afraid of hard work. Right now, at this moment I am not WANTING to put in the effort, but I'm going to. For me it can honestly be about the HOW, how do I get out of a rut when I feel these limitations? Most of the time I just keep pushing forward and trusting myself that I'll find a way, but at the moment I'm not sure what my forward is. I know I want to keep working hard with Roses & Cigarettes, creating music and performing brings me a serious amount of joy. I want to be self sufficient and have to get some more work. I know I want to keep living and experiencing everything that life has to offer. But I also know that to do so will keep taking a tremendous amount of effort on my end, and sometimes that alone makes me want to just lie down and take a nap. My sister and I joke that she has stress induced narcolepsy, but honestly is that a thing? Cause I may also have it.
I hope to get some positive answers at the doctor today. I hope that the answers I am seeking find me, God knows I'm looking for them. Most of all I wish for some sort of peace and clarity in my heart and mind at the moment. I wish I had a more positive message to share today, but this is life with this disease, some days are good some days are not but it's all part of the journey.
XOXO
Jenny
#StageIVNeedsMore
Your honesty flows out with such grace <3. You have your rocks by you so explore how you need to, love you woman!
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