Checking In
Hello everyone!
It has CERTAINLY been a long time. I have no excuse for myself, except that I felt like I needed a break. I love writing, and writing this blog has truly helped me to process everything I've been dealing with for almost 3 years now. But occasionally I feel as if my sharing can leave me exhausted and exposed. And it's my own doing! I suppose I'm still finding my own boundaries. I've always been someone who jumps fully in. I have a hard time compartmentalizing, and I'm generally an open book in all directions, but recently I had felt the need for quiet. I felt the need to fully figure out how I was feeling before I shared.
In December things were not looking good again. My tumor markers shot up and a PETscan revealed new growth in the bones, breast, brain, lungs and again a spot on my liver. How could it be that just a mere 4 months after I finished IV chemotherapy (mind you chemo lasted 6 months) I could be in almost the exact same position as I was a year ago?!??!? Since then I have had my liver biopsied, my brain scanned twice, my breast biopsied and completely switched all treatments. And now the good news begins....
TREATMENT IS WORKING....
For now..
As of my last visit my tumor markers had dropped significantly, one of them being a mere 3 points from the normal range. PHEW. I have more time here. But it begs the question, how long will this last? Cancer is smart, cancer is aggressive, and it certainly doesn't play by the rules. Every day I talk to my body and encourage it to be healthy, every day I tell the cancer to retreat, every day I take my herbs, cannabis oil, steroid mouth rinse, and chemotherapy pills. And every few weeks I get my blood tested and check in. This disease can feel like a FULL TIME job, a permanent full time job. This is what it takes to maintain where I am, forever. And things may switch, treatments may vary, maybe one day the cancer won't try fighting back so hard and will retreat permanently. I believe that can happen or I wouldn't be doing all of this. In the mean time life can feel a bit like groundhogs day.
Recently I've been struggling with how to move forward. To put it plainly I feel like I am in a serious rut. I'm teaching a few more yoga classes and working hard on Roses & Cigarettes, but I've still felt a bit trapped. Trapped by health insurance and a diagnosis I can't change. I've been wanting to find more classes to teach but my energy levels haven't been great, and I've been nauseous a lot. All side effects from chemotherapy. And if I work too much my social security completely disappears and what happens if I need IV chemotherapy again, and I really can't work? Social Security doesn't just pick back up. I've been thinking (read stressing) for several months about whether this treatment will work long term and if it continues to work the way it seems to be working then is it possible for me to work even more and once again be completely financially independent? I SURE HOPE SO!
My goal is to remain positive, to keep moving forward and taking life one step at a time. And as much as I feel like this word is completely overused I want to remain in a state of GRATITUDE. I am ALIVE and here today! If I don't feel well today I try and accept where I am that day and hope tomorrow will be better. At the end of the day the only thing I can full control is my attitude, and sometimes even that thing feels out of my control (though I know it is not).
I am incredibly fortunate to still be here breathing and living and being able to chase down some big dreams. And I know I will always find my path, I'm too stubborn to settle for less than exactly what I want. Today I am recommitting to this blog. Writing is incredibly cathartic for me, and I thank all of you for caring enough to tune in and read my ramblings. I promise to check in VERY soon!
XOXO,
Jenny
It has CERTAINLY been a long time. I have no excuse for myself, except that I felt like I needed a break. I love writing, and writing this blog has truly helped me to process everything I've been dealing with for almost 3 years now. But occasionally I feel as if my sharing can leave me exhausted and exposed. And it's my own doing! I suppose I'm still finding my own boundaries. I've always been someone who jumps fully in. I have a hard time compartmentalizing, and I'm generally an open book in all directions, but recently I had felt the need for quiet. I felt the need to fully figure out how I was feeling before I shared.
In December things were not looking good again. My tumor markers shot up and a PETscan revealed new growth in the bones, breast, brain, lungs and again a spot on my liver. How could it be that just a mere 4 months after I finished IV chemotherapy (mind you chemo lasted 6 months) I could be in almost the exact same position as I was a year ago?!??!? Since then I have had my liver biopsied, my brain scanned twice, my breast biopsied and completely switched all treatments. And now the good news begins....
TREATMENT IS WORKING....
For now..
As of my last visit my tumor markers had dropped significantly, one of them being a mere 3 points from the normal range. PHEW. I have more time here. But it begs the question, how long will this last? Cancer is smart, cancer is aggressive, and it certainly doesn't play by the rules. Every day I talk to my body and encourage it to be healthy, every day I tell the cancer to retreat, every day I take my herbs, cannabis oil, steroid mouth rinse, and chemotherapy pills. And every few weeks I get my blood tested and check in. This disease can feel like a FULL TIME job, a permanent full time job. This is what it takes to maintain where I am, forever. And things may switch, treatments may vary, maybe one day the cancer won't try fighting back so hard and will retreat permanently. I believe that can happen or I wouldn't be doing all of this. In the mean time life can feel a bit like groundhogs day.
Recently I've been struggling with how to move forward. To put it plainly I feel like I am in a serious rut. I'm teaching a few more yoga classes and working hard on Roses & Cigarettes, but I've still felt a bit trapped. Trapped by health insurance and a diagnosis I can't change. I've been wanting to find more classes to teach but my energy levels haven't been great, and I've been nauseous a lot. All side effects from chemotherapy. And if I work too much my social security completely disappears and what happens if I need IV chemotherapy again, and I really can't work? Social Security doesn't just pick back up. I've been thinking (read stressing) for several months about whether this treatment will work long term and if it continues to work the way it seems to be working then is it possible for me to work even more and once again be completely financially independent? I SURE HOPE SO!
My goal is to remain positive, to keep moving forward and taking life one step at a time. And as much as I feel like this word is completely overused I want to remain in a state of GRATITUDE. I am ALIVE and here today! If I don't feel well today I try and accept where I am that day and hope tomorrow will be better. At the end of the day the only thing I can full control is my attitude, and sometimes even that thing feels out of my control (though I know it is not).
I am incredibly fortunate to still be here breathing and living and being able to chase down some big dreams. And I know I will always find my path, I'm too stubborn to settle for less than exactly what I want. Today I am recommitting to this blog. Writing is incredibly cathartic for me, and I thank all of you for caring enough to tune in and read my ramblings. I promise to check in VERY soon!
XOXO,
Jenny
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteStubborness is strength. I believe - I really do - that one day you will win this battle and this horrible disease will be so tired from the fight that it will run away and stay gone forever. I hope and pray for this, for you, everyday! Love you!
ReplyDeletePlease do keep writing! All of us out here who don't really know you IRL still support you and are pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteI am sure these complex emotions/feelings/thoughts you mention here will make it into your new songs and album as well.
"Art is the highest form of hope." - Gerhard Richter
Just a question - as a yoga teacher do you practice a separate form of meditation as well? Transcendental? Mindfulness? Zazen? If so, do you find it helpful?
As a sign of gratitude for how my wife was saved from CANCER, i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
ReplyDeleteMy wife suffered cancer in the year 2013 and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because she was my all and the symptoms were terrible, she always complain of abnormal vaginal bleeding, and she always have pain during sexual intercourse. . we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure her. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony by someone who was cured and so many other with similar body problem, and he left the contact of the doctor who had the cure to cancer . I never imagined cancer. has a natural cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my wife will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my wife used it and in one months time she was fully okay even up till this moment she is so full of life. cancer. has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098675@gmail.com on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony.
Thanks to Dr Williams I am so happy today, my wife have been suffering from breast cancer for the past 8 years now, and i have spent a lot on western drugs which has all proved abortive, i have tried all means in life to get my wife out of this , but there was no answer until i decided to try herbal solution and i found Dr Williams online and i contacted him and after she took his medication as instructed, my wife is now completely cure from breast cancer within those week of usage, i am so much happy, thanks to Dr Williams for helping me get my wife life back again without any form of crisis, i promise to tell your name and good deeds to the whole world,if you have someone with cancer you can email him on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for more information .
ReplyDeleteI have been suffering from (HPV) disease for the past four years and had constant pain, During the first year,I had faith in God that i would be healed someday.This disease started circulating all over my body and i have been taking treatment from my doctor, few weeks ago i came on search on the Internet if i could get any information concerning the prevention of this disease, on my search i saw a testimony of someone who has been healed from (Hepatitis B and Cancer) by this Man Dr osaze oshoregbemhe and she also gave the email address of this man and advise we should contact him for any sickness that he would be of help, so i wrote to Dr osaze oshoregbemhe telling him about my (Herpes Virus) he told me not to worry that i was going to be cured!! hmm i never believed it,, well after all the procedures and remedy given to me by this man few weeks later i started experiencing changes all over me as the Great Dr osaze oshoregbemhe assured me that i have cured,after some time i went to my doctor to confirmed if i have be finally healed behold it was TRUE, So friends my advise is if you have such sickness or any other at all you can email oshoregbemhehealinghome@gmail.com or call number +2349053289227.
ReplyDeletekelvin donald