Time and Attention
Today I am checking in from Austin, TX y'all!! I'm here with my band mate, Angela playing some gigs and loving up on this town! SO much good food, so much good music and such great friends here-old and new! Currently I am writing in Cedar Creek Studios while Angela records a guitar show, we are simply having the best time living our dream. We have a few more shows left in town and I will be sad when it's all over. Traveling and playing music brings me so much joy, and helps me get out of my ruts and routines. I've spent much of this year adjusting and readjusting and adjusting and readjusting. Sometimes it still feels like my head is spinning, I can't quite believe the year I've had. Six months of chemotherapy, brain radiation, getting a port (for the second time), being told I most likely had about 6 months to live and fighting that with everything I had. 2017 was by far the most interesting (for lack of a better word I guess) year of my life!
I spent so much time and energy fighting this cancer that was trying to kill me that sometimes I'm not sure how to move forward now. Some days I just go about my life as if this never happened and then sometimes fear grips me and I'm not positive in which direction I should move. I've gone to enough doctors appointments to last me a life time yet there are always more. This disease requires maintenance, but where do I draw the line? This is where I have a hard time. How much time and attention do I need to give this disease? I gave it all of me this year, I gave it every ounce of effort I could muster. That is a difficult pace to keep up with, not to mention expensive. Healers, reiki sessions, Chinese medicine, western medicine, ALL OF IT. I've started to loosen the reins a bit, but that also makes me nervous. To get rid of this disease I had to put all of my effort into it, but to keep it away do I have to do the same? I don't know, honestly. I take 5 chemo pills a day, and I am always taking my herbs and cannabis oil to keep this cancer at bay, but is it enough? If I have some cocktails does that mean my cancer will come back? If I don't juice or if I eat food that isn't organic am I making a huge mistake? These are the thoughts that are constantly swirling around in my brain.....
I have to believe that I will be stable for a good long time. If I don't think that I wouldn't be able to move forward or chase my dreams or think that maybe one day I'll fall in love. Sometimes I worry that the moment I get comfortable the rug will be pulled out from underneath me. Every blood test or scan produces mass amounts of anxiety. I'm always reminding myself to breathe and have faith that the work I have done will continually keep me healthy. That I won't be back to chemo infusions every week for the rest of my life. There's a certain amount of freedom I've gotten back and I don't want to lose it. Fear can be a jail of your own making, and I'm constantly trying to talk myself out of that fear prison. Making the choice to be happy isn't easy, but I can't sit in that fear. That wouldn't serve me at all.
As cliche as it probably is the end of the year is a great time to be introspective and reflect. I've had the lowest moments of my life this year, and also some of the most amazing moments. I've changed yet I feel more like myself than I ever have. There's a certain amount of freedom that comes with facing your own mortality. If you only have months to live your choices change, the amount of fucks you give about other people's opinions definitely change and you just start living. I'm hoping 2018 will allow me more freedom, not as many doctors appointments, more music, more opportunities to travel, and more time with those that I love. I am ready to say goodbye to 2017 and thank it for all it taught me. I don't want to be stuck in my fear and I want to keep living my life. There was a Tim McGraw song that came out when I was in high school called "Live Like You Were Dying." I always loved that song and appreciated the message, I never thought I'd actually be living like that, but here I am. I hope in 2018 I can settle into this new normal, get back to working more and doing what I love as much as possible. I will try not give in to the fear cancer creates, and I will do my best to always choose optimism.
I hope all your holidays are everything you want them to be. Hold your loved ones close!!
XOXO,
Jenny
I spent so much time and energy fighting this cancer that was trying to kill me that sometimes I'm not sure how to move forward now. Some days I just go about my life as if this never happened and then sometimes fear grips me and I'm not positive in which direction I should move. I've gone to enough doctors appointments to last me a life time yet there are always more. This disease requires maintenance, but where do I draw the line? This is where I have a hard time. How much time and attention do I need to give this disease? I gave it all of me this year, I gave it every ounce of effort I could muster. That is a difficult pace to keep up with, not to mention expensive. Healers, reiki sessions, Chinese medicine, western medicine, ALL OF IT. I've started to loosen the reins a bit, but that also makes me nervous. To get rid of this disease I had to put all of my effort into it, but to keep it away do I have to do the same? I don't know, honestly. I take 5 chemo pills a day, and I am always taking my herbs and cannabis oil to keep this cancer at bay, but is it enough? If I have some cocktails does that mean my cancer will come back? If I don't juice or if I eat food that isn't organic am I making a huge mistake? These are the thoughts that are constantly swirling around in my brain.....
I have to believe that I will be stable for a good long time. If I don't think that I wouldn't be able to move forward or chase my dreams or think that maybe one day I'll fall in love. Sometimes I worry that the moment I get comfortable the rug will be pulled out from underneath me. Every blood test or scan produces mass amounts of anxiety. I'm always reminding myself to breathe and have faith that the work I have done will continually keep me healthy. That I won't be back to chemo infusions every week for the rest of my life. There's a certain amount of freedom I've gotten back and I don't want to lose it. Fear can be a jail of your own making, and I'm constantly trying to talk myself out of that fear prison. Making the choice to be happy isn't easy, but I can't sit in that fear. That wouldn't serve me at all.
As cliche as it probably is the end of the year is a great time to be introspective and reflect. I've had the lowest moments of my life this year, and also some of the most amazing moments. I've changed yet I feel more like myself than I ever have. There's a certain amount of freedom that comes with facing your own mortality. If you only have months to live your choices change, the amount of fucks you give about other people's opinions definitely change and you just start living. I'm hoping 2018 will allow me more freedom, not as many doctors appointments, more music, more opportunities to travel, and more time with those that I love. I am ready to say goodbye to 2017 and thank it for all it taught me. I don't want to be stuck in my fear and I want to keep living my life. There was a Tim McGraw song that came out when I was in high school called "Live Like You Were Dying." I always loved that song and appreciated the message, I never thought I'd actually be living like that, but here I am. I hope in 2018 I can settle into this new normal, get back to working more and doing what I love as much as possible. I will try not give in to the fear cancer creates, and I will do my best to always choose optimism.
I hope all your holidays are everything you want them to be. Hold your loved ones close!!
XOXO,
Jenny
ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM BREAST CANCER.
ReplyDeleteI'm here again to appreciate. DR WILLIAMS God will always continue to bless you more abundantly, for the good works you done in my life, I will always keep on writing good and posting my testimonies about you on the Internet, I’m Jessica from Orlando, Florida. I was tested breast cancer positive, I saw a blog on how DR WILLIAMS cured people with his herbal portion, i did not believe in natural medicine but i just decided to give him a try, I contacted him,and explain my situation to him,few day later he sent me the herb, after taking doc Williams herbal medicine for few week i also got my healing with his herbal portion, i am so happy. If you have any type of cancer problem ,you can contact him on Drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product,i hope this testimony also help some one out there .
As a sign of gratitude for how my wife was saved from CANCER, i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
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