They say it's your birthday, gonna have a good time....
I have officially entered my mid 30's. How did that happen? I've never been one to complain about getting older, having two older sisters I was always scratching to keep up. Aging has always felt like a badge of honor to me, you live, you learn, you grow. I couldn't wait to see who I was going to become and what life had in store for me. I didn't anticipate life throwing Stage IV Breast Cancer at me that's for sure, but we can't always control the cards we are dealt. I've always been ALL about a birthday celebration (ask my cousin Jeff-he won't EVER forget my birthday because as a child I DRILLED it into his noggin), this year felt different though, it felt interesting-for lack of a better word.
I've written about the day I broke up with Google (that saucy little minx keeps me coming back for more-but the trust shall never be the same!). I googled "Stage IV Breast Cancer" and reading the first thing that popped up was like being punched in the stomach; "The average life expectancy of a Stage IV Breast Cancer patient is 2 years." Well, 2 years ago this November I went to the hospital for a blood clot in my left arm (my port was there and it's very common for a small clot to form in the catheter line) and there it was, the little nodule in my left lung that was Metastatic Breast Cancer. Which means for 2 years my cancer has been metastatic, which means for 2 years I have had Stage IV Breast Cancer. I am still here, and I am further away from death than I was on that day. Suck it Google.
So this birthday of mine, and every birthday that follows is significant to me. Each birthday I have represents another year of me SURVIVING this disease. Each birthday I have represents me BEATING the odds. And it's a feeling I honestly can't describe. I felt no need for a ton of special attention, or bells and whistles this year. Usually I-or one of my friends would plan a birthday bash and inevitably at some point I would cry on my birthday. Every year. One of my best friends and I coined this "The Birthday Blues." This year I was having none of that nonsense. I chose to perform on my birthday because that is what I love doing most; playing music with my friends and sharing it with people. I also chose to teach yoga on birthday, another activity that brings me great joy. Being able to provide a space for others to clear their heads and connect to their bodies is a huge joy in my life. Thirdly I saw my oncologist on my birthday, some people thought I was a little crazy for doing that and honestly so did I, but it just seemed right. My band mate, Angela came with me for support and honestly the news couldn't have been better. My numbers are all stable in the NORMAL range, normal. That is B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!! Ten months ago I was told if nothing changed I'd be dead within six months.
That moment changed a whole lot for me. Being told your expiration date is coming WAY sooner than you ever anticipated is a mind FUCK to say the least. My initial reaction was a big solid NO. My sister, Sarah was with me the day I went to see my (EX) oncologist. I knew the results of my PETscan but this was the first time seeing her to discuss a plan. My body knew more than my mind and I full on fainted when they tried to take my blood. I get my blood drawn VERY regularly-a tiny butterfly needle to draw some blood is child's play for me. Chemo needles are NO joke. Fainting is also not generally in my repertoire. After that I talked to my doctor and she said; "well besides more hormone therapy, there's nothing we can do. I'm sorry Jennifer." To which I replied well I'm going to City Of Hope so you can fuck off now, as hot tears streamed down my face. I was indignant to say the least. No one was telling me my time was up. And that City of Hope really turned into a city of HOPE for me. MY new doctor told me something needed to be done and fast, and I knew he was right. He had a plan for me, and he calmly trusted that plan, which in turn made me trust him. He was also right when he used the word REMISSION. That's why I chose him, his HOPE that I could make it to remission aligned with my belief that I could make it there.
My entire belief system has been completely shattered and rebuilt this past 2 1/2 years. I was 31 at diagnosis and I am now 34. While 2 1/2 years isn't a lifetime, I feel as if I've gained a lifetime of knowledge during this time. There are ways I've changed in the past 2 1/2 years that far surpass any change I made in the 31 years that came before my diagnosis. I have had 3 birthdays with a cancer diagnosis, 3 summers, 3 Christmas', 3 New Years Eves. This birthday felt different than the two that came before it. I didn't feel the need to savor every second because it may be my last. I didn't feel the need to be extremely celebratory or extremely sad. I used the word interesting earlier because that's what it felt like to me. It was interesting because it felt different than every other birthday that came before it. It felt calm. It felt like for the first time I was fully comfortable in my skin, fully comfortable with my life and that felt like enough for me. Did I want to enjoy myself? Of course! And I did! I even took a little nap-I'm old now people I need it! This birthday felt calm. I feel calm.
I can't change my diagnosis. I can't change the fact that when I tell people that I have been diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer they look at me and wonder when I'll die. I CAN choose not to believe that I won't be just another statistic. I CAN decide to live my life just the way I want to and not be concerned with what other people think of me along the way. Maybe it's reaching the ripe old age of 34, maybe it's because I've been to hell and back this past 2 1/2 years. I don't know when exactly I made the turn but I've made it and I wouldn't change it, not a second of it. I wouldn't change anything I've gone through because it's brought me here to this moment where I feel calm. Maybe the storm is behind me or maybe I'm living in the eye of the hurricane and there are more stormy conditions ahead of me. I can't be sure of that, but at this moment I am calm, I am happy, and I love every gray hair popping up on my head. Maybe 34 will be the best year yet....
XOXO,
Jenny
I've written about the day I broke up with Google (that saucy little minx keeps me coming back for more-but the trust shall never be the same!). I googled "Stage IV Breast Cancer" and reading the first thing that popped up was like being punched in the stomach; "The average life expectancy of a Stage IV Breast Cancer patient is 2 years." Well, 2 years ago this November I went to the hospital for a blood clot in my left arm (my port was there and it's very common for a small clot to form in the catheter line) and there it was, the little nodule in my left lung that was Metastatic Breast Cancer. Which means for 2 years my cancer has been metastatic, which means for 2 years I have had Stage IV Breast Cancer. I am still here, and I am further away from death than I was on that day. Suck it Google.
So this birthday of mine, and every birthday that follows is significant to me. Each birthday I have represents another year of me SURVIVING this disease. Each birthday I have represents me BEATING the odds. And it's a feeling I honestly can't describe. I felt no need for a ton of special attention, or bells and whistles this year. Usually I-or one of my friends would plan a birthday bash and inevitably at some point I would cry on my birthday. Every year. One of my best friends and I coined this "The Birthday Blues." This year I was having none of that nonsense. I chose to perform on my birthday because that is what I love doing most; playing music with my friends and sharing it with people. I also chose to teach yoga on birthday, another activity that brings me great joy. Being able to provide a space for others to clear their heads and connect to their bodies is a huge joy in my life. Thirdly I saw my oncologist on my birthday, some people thought I was a little crazy for doing that and honestly so did I, but it just seemed right. My band mate, Angela came with me for support and honestly the news couldn't have been better. My numbers are all stable in the NORMAL range, normal. That is B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!! Ten months ago I was told if nothing changed I'd be dead within six months.
That moment changed a whole lot for me. Being told your expiration date is coming WAY sooner than you ever anticipated is a mind FUCK to say the least. My initial reaction was a big solid NO. My sister, Sarah was with me the day I went to see my (EX) oncologist. I knew the results of my PETscan but this was the first time seeing her to discuss a plan. My body knew more than my mind and I full on fainted when they tried to take my blood. I get my blood drawn VERY regularly-a tiny butterfly needle to draw some blood is child's play for me. Chemo needles are NO joke. Fainting is also not generally in my repertoire. After that I talked to my doctor and she said; "well besides more hormone therapy, there's nothing we can do. I'm sorry Jennifer." To which I replied well I'm going to City Of Hope so you can fuck off now, as hot tears streamed down my face. I was indignant to say the least. No one was telling me my time was up. And that City of Hope really turned into a city of HOPE for me. MY new doctor told me something needed to be done and fast, and I knew he was right. He had a plan for me, and he calmly trusted that plan, which in turn made me trust him. He was also right when he used the word REMISSION. That's why I chose him, his HOPE that I could make it to remission aligned with my belief that I could make it there.
My entire belief system has been completely shattered and rebuilt this past 2 1/2 years. I was 31 at diagnosis and I am now 34. While 2 1/2 years isn't a lifetime, I feel as if I've gained a lifetime of knowledge during this time. There are ways I've changed in the past 2 1/2 years that far surpass any change I made in the 31 years that came before my diagnosis. I have had 3 birthdays with a cancer diagnosis, 3 summers, 3 Christmas', 3 New Years Eves. This birthday felt different than the two that came before it. I didn't feel the need to savor every second because it may be my last. I didn't feel the need to be extremely celebratory or extremely sad. I used the word interesting earlier because that's what it felt like to me. It was interesting because it felt different than every other birthday that came before it. It felt calm. It felt like for the first time I was fully comfortable in my skin, fully comfortable with my life and that felt like enough for me. Did I want to enjoy myself? Of course! And I did! I even took a little nap-I'm old now people I need it! This birthday felt calm. I feel calm.
I can't change my diagnosis. I can't change the fact that when I tell people that I have been diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer they look at me and wonder when I'll die. I CAN choose not to believe that I won't be just another statistic. I CAN decide to live my life just the way I want to and not be concerned with what other people think of me along the way. Maybe it's reaching the ripe old age of 34, maybe it's because I've been to hell and back this past 2 1/2 years. I don't know when exactly I made the turn but I've made it and I wouldn't change it, not a second of it. I wouldn't change anything I've gone through because it's brought me here to this moment where I feel calm. Maybe the storm is behind me or maybe I'm living in the eye of the hurricane and there are more stormy conditions ahead of me. I can't be sure of that, but at this moment I am calm, I am happy, and I love every gray hair popping up on my head. Maybe 34 will be the best year yet....
XOXO,
Jenny
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