The Perfect Patient

When we are healthy we have all these ideas about what would do if....

If I get cancer I will.....


But do you know what you would do if it actually happened? Honestly can you imagine the moment it happens and then everything else that follows it?

I had so many preconceived notions about what I would do if, how I will act when.... And you know what? I was totally full of it. Because you can't imagine the insane fear that takes a hold of you when it actually happens. How every single time you roll over at night you hear the words, "You have cancer." And that jolt of adrenaline and fear hits you all over again. How every time someone says "but you're always so healthy," "You look really healthy," "You're too young for breast cancer," you have to swallow the lump in your throat and graciously say "thank you" or "I know, cancer doesn't care" and shrug your shoulders.  How every time someone looks at you with sympathy in their eyes and asks "How are you feeling?" Instead of doing what you really want to do and saying "How the FUCK do you think I'm feeling?" You say "I'm doing ok." Because you don't want to come across as an ungracious asshole. Because these people are NOT doing anything wrong! You can't imagine how you'll react because you can't possibly imagine how it all feels. No matter how much you want to!

Well I thought I could and actually did know. So imagine my surprise when I wasn't/couldn't be who I thought I should be; gracious at every turn, independent and strong, not gonna let cancer change me or get me down No siry, nope. Jenny I am and Jenny I SHALL REMAIN!!!!! Well it didn't work out that way, and it continues to not work out that way. It's taken me a LONG time to get here but ya know what? I don't care anymore. I can't be the best I was when I was healthy. I can only be the best I am RIGHT NOW. And sometimes my best is AWFUL. It's not pretty sometimes guys, we can all be assholes. I've reached a point where I am just ok with that. Maybe it's age, maybe it's getting cancer. I don't know what it is but I'm done beating myself up for not being perfect at every turn through this. Some days I won't do better than just getting myself and my dog food, water and a few bathroom breaks. And that has to be ok. Sometimes my best may be yelling at my poor mom who is trying to help me because what I really want to yell at is cancer and I can't. And bless her heart she forgives me every damn time.

I don't know why I felt (still feel, lets be honest. I'm working on it ok?!?) this insane need to hold it together at every turn. Maybe it's because I'm a woman and I didn't want to be labeled as crazy or psycho or God forbid someone thinks I'm a bitch! But that's all on me. Whatever it was, my own insecurity or need for perfection-it wasn't serving me. All it was doing was keeping me stuck in a guilt cycle. I'm overwhelmed and upset because ya know, cancer. I am not my most "perfect, gracious" self in some interaction with someone. Then BOOM like clock work "Guilt, party of one your table is ready." EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Not to mention the person I snapped at isn't exactly feeling my love at this point. But I'm working to stop that cycle now. It's energy wasted, purely wasted. Energy that should be directed towards HEALING. Everyone is doing their best and a simple I'm sorry, I love you, and a hug goes a long way. Hell, even just ONE of those would go a long way.

Just over here doing my post-chemo best, guys!

XOXO,

Jenny

Comments

  1. Right on point as usual! I have had such a hard time with mastering communication with others about this disease. When i was doing chemo and recovering from surgeries i would consistently get the, "Hey how are you feeling?' text. It annoyed me to no end!!! I felt horrible and i didnt feel like writing that out. I just wished people would say hi thinking of you, or anything that didn't involve a question. Then i immediately felt like an asshole. Here I am getting mad at people for caring about me too much!

    Throughout this, a lot of times when I see friends I make sure i was full hair and make up with a smile plastered on my face, because some part of me felt the need to show everyone i have this under control. Why is that??? I honestly still dont know.

    Sometimes, when I'm feeling good, at work, and have my mind on something else, someone sends me a text asking me about something cancer related, like whens my next doc appointment, or how am i feeling since the last, any new side effects??

    They are just trying to be nice, but it makes me upset, because i maybe I wasnt in the mood to talk cancer right at that moment, i may not have been thinking of myself as cancer girl at that moment, and suddenly im dragged back to reality. Other times, i've need to cry and vent on the spot, and those same people that annoyed me by checking in, are there for me to cry to. I've also done plenty of yelling at my mom out of frustration (sorry mom).

    I have felt/do feel really selfish because of the worry i have caused my family and friends and the fact that when i am lucky enough to feel really good and they ask how im doing, I have found it annoying or invasive. I am trying to accept the truth which is that, I just want to talk about it when and how i want to. There is no way for those around me to predict when i will be in the mood to discuss things, and unfortunately everyone is just going to have to be ok with that.

    It is hard not to weigh yourself down feeling like you owe something to those around you, whether its keeping up a brave face, looking on the bright side, or providing progress reports about your health (its so exhausting updating everyone after every doctors appointment!!!)


    Everyone who loves you will understand. Its ok to be honest. If you dont feel like talking about it, or dont feel good, just lay it out there. It doesnt make you a failure, or a quitter and it doesnt mean that tommorow or next week you arent going to be feeling much better. The human body is a resilient thing. A hard part of this disease is watching it impact those around you and feeling bad for making them feel bad. Dont let it. Cancer is the jerk here, NOT YOU. Everyone will understand.

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  2. Love you. We think of you all the time. Sometimes we don't know what to say. We may even say the wrong thing. We're figuring it out too...but you know you can be an asshole to us whenever you want. We love you regardless. Great post. Keep them coming because you're honesty is everything. Xoxox

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  3. No one can know what to say, what to do, how to feel, no one but you. Be you do you and love you. You are what matters and here to support you, cause we love thats what we do. Donna

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